How we plan things in Ireland

Five billion, by Jesus! Five billion. Roll that around your tongue there for a minute like a good smoky, solid old Irish whiskey. Five billion.

It doesn’t sound much when you say it fast, does it? Five. Billion.

That’s how much our government plans to spend on the new Dublin metro. The northern section.

They propose to spend the same on the southern section, having already spent about €800 million on the tram system for Dublin, and another €800 million for the Dublin port tunnel which, sadly, will soon be unnecessary when the port is moved, but hey! shit happens, and after all, it’s only money when you get right down to it.

So let’s see. That’s five and five – ten! Ten billion. And then we have the trams and the tunnel. €11.6 billion. Right. And then there’s the €3.4 billion that needs to be spent electrifying Dublin’s suburban rail system. Let’s call it a round €15 billion. Hey, overseas friends: that’s about €22 billion dollars. That’s almost the cost of three days occupying Iraq, for fucksake!

Do you notice anything missing from this list?

Well, how about the name of every other city in Ireland, except Dublin, where the politicians, the judiciary and the media people live?

Isn’t that clever?

Isn’t it clever that we’re all taxpayers, that we all pay the same money to the Exchequer, and that only about a quarter of the population live in Dublin, yet we see €15 billion of our money spent on Dublin’s public transport system as compared to — what spent on the rest of the country?

Well, at a rough estimate, to approximately fuck-all. I go to town on the bus like I always did, the same as people in Cork, Galway, Waterford, Sligo and everywhere else do.

Isn’t that great? Isn’t it a credit to the people of Limerick, Cork, Galway, Waterford, Sligo and everywhere else that they’re so happy to send their taxes to build all these things in Dublin? And what’s more, that they’re willing to forgo the same benefits for themselves, in an outburst of public-spirited generosity. Damn good of them. Damn good.

Meanwhile, our former national airline, complete with its valuable Heathrow slots, which was sold off by our government for no obvious reason, has just announced its abandonment of Shannon to set up shop in Belfast. Also on the East coast, just like Dublin, and now at the centre of the political universe, since they stopped shooting each other.

Why? Was it an uneconomic operation in Shannon? Far from it. Every flight was full.

So why?

Who can tell?

Maybe it’s because, in our little anti-democracy, some people’s votes count more than others’.

I should have kicked in a few pennies to Bertie‘s dig-out fund. Shit.

Politics war World

Suicide Attacks

After the incredibly incompetent attack on the airport at Glasgow, I’ve been thinking.

Really now, you’d have to wonder about those boys, wouldn’t you? I mean, really, you simply would be driven to ponder how folk as dim as these fellows could possibly qualify as travel agents, never mind as doctors.

What the hell is going on in a person’s mind when he’s capable of this level of incompetence? Seriously: would you want these people looking after your health? Would you?

Here are a couple of doctors, highly-trained, though clearly not highly-educated, who decide to attack an airport. But it seems they don’t bother to actually look at the airport first. No. Instead, they just steal a jeep, fill it with petrol and drive it to the front door where they discover that you can’t actually drive a car through because there are these big concrete bollards, placed there especially to make sure that no lunatic can drive a blazing jeep into the building.


Oh, and qualified doctors.

Now, I’ve never been a suicide bomber in my life, but if I was, I hope I’d do it properly. And the very first thing I’d do would be to have a look at the place I’m going to attack. You’d think so – no? You’d imagine. Huh?

For fucksake. I’m glad these fuckers never got to practise medicine on me.

This looks like a good time to call in a surgical strike.

kick it on

Politics World

Terrorist Attack on Glasgow Airport


Did I hear that wrong?

Maybe it was because I heard it on Sky News, which is a whole heap of shit, though marginally better than Fox News, but still, they surely wouldn’t make this up, would they?

Well? Would they?

Two of the people detained in connection with the attack on the airport are doctors.

All I’m thinking is What???

Now look, I’m probably the very first to accuse the cops of incompetence, laziness and a tendency to frame the first available suspect, but actually in this case I think they were probably right on the button.

For a start, when you pull a guy out of a burning jeep that’s just been slammed into the door of an airport and – even though he’s on fire – he still jumps up and tries to fight you, well fuck it. The chances are he’s not one of the good guys.

You make an executive decision. This guy who’s on fire next to this burning jeep probably had something to do with it. Especially as he’s trying to kick my face in, even though he’s still burning.

You certainly have good grounds to be suspicious, wouldn’t you think?

No. It’s ok. You’re right: it is fairly dodgy.

So, what’s going on with the medics? What the hell does this mean when two doctors try to kill and maim any innocent passer-by they can manage to burn? If, of course, they had anything to do with it and aren’t just being stitched up by the cops, which is eminently possible, but let’s presume that the British cops aren’t as incompetent and corrupt as our guys. I don’t know. I don’t know anything, all right? All I’m doing is asking, what the hell is going on in our world, and by the way, who let two homicidal lunatics into any medical faculty, if in fact they turn out to be guilty?

And who paid for their education?

And why?



Imagine being a dead Muslim

Suicide Bombers

Idiots, religious lunatics and the war on terror

The war on terror

kick it on


What the fuck?

I arrive home after a night in the pub to see news reports of an attack on Glasgow Airport.

A blazing jeep seems to have slammed into the front door of the airport, and it seems to have contained at least two passengers.


Why did they need a passenger – did they think that would make the explosion bigger?

To make it even worse for themselves, they picked an airport where it was absolutely certain they’d have the shit kicked out of them if they survived, which is exactly what happened.

We seem to be lucky that a wave of retarded terrorists are launching these attacks at the moment. In my opinion, it really was the stupidest attack ever carried out, anywhere, by anyone. Come on, now. Who except a total fool would set fire to a car and drive it at an airport’s front door?

It seems that even terrorist organisations are falling victim to political correctness. They probably have to employ a quota of these imbeciles.

They’re fucked.

Favourites Humour

One man and his magnet

Some stories you just couldn’t make up.

Here’s an Iraqi guy going through security at Los Angeles airport when the alarm goes off.

Think about it. An Iraqi! At an airport! In America!!

Christ Almighty, if you were in that situation, wouldn’t you just shit yourself?

They jump on Fadhel al-Maliki. They wrestle him to the ground. They search him. They do the old rubber glove trick, and guess what they find?

Holy fuck! He has wires coming out of his arse. They dig deeper and they find that the wires are connected to something. Oh No! What is it? Has this crazy Iraqi guy got a bomb up his arse?

Well no, actually. It’s a magnet with wires coiled around it and a small, polished stone.


A magnet and a stone. The guy has a magnet and a stone shoved up his arse. With electric wires. Maliki told security staff that the objects were “therapeutic” and he went on to say that he forgot to remove them before going through security.

He was secreting these items in a body cavity and that was a great concern because there were also some electric wires associated with that body cavity, said Larry Fetters, security director for the Transportation Security Administration at the airport.

Now, there you are. You’re an Iraqi in America, which isn’t great to begin with. You’re shuffling towards airport security in a country where they think all Iraqis are terrorists. And you FORGET that you have electric wires coming out of your arse?

Mr Al-Maliki, 35, of Atlantic City, N.J., was held for a mental evaluation and for a possible immigration violation, federal officials said.

Really? I wonder why?

This guy has to be a clear contender for the Darwin Awards, but he wasn’t charged.