Rehab Chief Angela Kerins to be New Garda Commissioner

In a shock development today, Rehab CEO Angela Kerins resigned from her €240k post, citing family reasons.

My family would love to see me wearing a peaked cap with gold braid, and so would I, quipped the hardworking ex-midwife-turned-global-CEO, so I’m going for the Garda Commissioner’s job.  Now that Callinan is gone, she added, unleashing the famous machine-gun laugh that earned her the affectionate nickname AK47 among Rehab employees.

Wasting no time, Kerins sets out her vision of a new-look Garda Síochána.

When I take over, there’ll be no more nonsense.  In my new no-nonsense Gardai, I’ll expect every member of the force to be proficient in Powerpoint, going forward, said Ms Kerins.  I’ll set up special firearms training so that everyone learns how to shoot puppies, going forward and each weekend, we’ll have special team-building sessions plucking low-hanging fruit.  Naturally, I’ll be taking a helicopter view.

Commissioner Kerins

How did Ms Kerins view the Garda as an organisation, going forward?

I’m glad you asked me that question.   I’d hope to expand the operation into mainland Europe and perhaps Russia, obviously using local volunteers and with a strong emphasis on fundraising.  I can see An Garda Síochána being a strong global brand within a decade, though of course, we’d have to change the name to something more snappy.

Such as?

I was thinking along the lines of RehabPol.  Also, we’ll have to change the core business model.  There’s too much of that old crimefighting taking up people’s time, so we’ll outsource that side of things to the professionals.    I’ll probably have to sit on all the boards of directors to make sure it’s transparent.

How does Ms Kerins see the core activities of An Garda Síochána, going forward?

The message we want to put out there is that it’s all good.  We do good stuff.  Lots of good stuff, so please give generously.

And the Gardai themselves?

Well, obviously we’ll have to reduce overheads.  While I see no reason why a commissioner should be paid less than Angela Merkel, rank-and-file wages will go down and performance-based bonuses will go up.


Well, for a start, I can see no good reason why Gardai shouldn’t sell scratch-cards at checkpoints.  Can you?

Going forward?

Going forward.