Hello and welcome to the latest edition of Seán Talks Bollocks.
In today’s issue, Seán will be talking bollocks about his entrepreneurial skills, his work with young people and his involvement with Fianna Fáil. He also explains how he performed the world’s first heart transplant, carried Edmund Hillary to the top of Everest, beat Joe Frazier while wearing a Muhammad Ali mask and invented the wheel.
In an emotional aside, the original founder of Oasis tells of his shock when he realised that he had inadvertently become a member of the Fianna Fáil national executive, a traumatic experience that even now, a full eight months later, he has still not fully recovered from.
Seán flew in this morning from Auckland where he helped the All Blacks to win the World Cup by delivering a motivational speech in the dressing room.
I told them life isn’t always easy, he said, but if you try hard, and get the odd aul grant here an’ there, you can manage a lot, like. Richie told me ’twas the best aul talk he ever heard in his life, like, an’ all he could see the whole way through the match was me wavin’ me fist.
I remember one time, muses Seán, when Einstein was askin’ me advice about the relatives. What am I goin’ to do here at all Seán? says Albert.
Tell ya what, sez I. Why don’t I get onta Bertie an’ see if we can get th’aul laws of physics changed. Or maybe we can get the Commissioner of the Physics Guards to turn an aul blind eye, know what I mean, like?
I remember one time, I was showin’ Pelé how to kick a ball. Look, Ed, I told him, if you were an enter prenoor like me, you’d hire some poor sap to kick the feckin ball, an’ you’d use someone else’s money. See, that’s why I’m a future President of Ireland. Cos I’m one cute feckin hoor.
I’m an educated man, ya know. I done an MBA, like, an’ I done a degree too in that place where the priests is. Nanu Nanu. I done me degree in two years, like an’ I was so good, I didn’t even have to do no exams cos I was dead smart, an’ then the Online University of Jim Jones Limited give me th’aul MBA cos they knew I was real good at th’aul business thing. I done me trainin’ in Nanu Nanu and it stood to me when I needed to fix an aul tap or anythin’ like that.
I done lotsa work with young people too. Real work, y’know? Work with a capital W, not liftin’ stuff. No. Stuff where ya all sit there drinkin’ coffee and talkin’ about important things. Work. Just like I’ll do when I’m the President an’ I’ll be able to ring up anyone an’ tell ’em what to do cos I’ll be the feckin King an’ everyone will hafta do whatever I tell ’em, an’ I can hand out pardons an’everything. Bertie will be feckin chuffed.
Anyway, lookit, vote for me cos I knows things an’ I does things, an’ sure I was even on the telly.
Ya can’t get better than that.
Elsewhere on Bock: