I stopped smoking four years ago.
I used to have three cigarettes in bed before I got up. I used to wake up in the middle of the night and go downstairs to have a smoke. Sometimes, I’d be out having a drink and I’d be puffing away at my cigarette, and I’d be thinking, Jesus, I’d love a smoke. I was a very bad smoker.
Actually, no. I was a great smoker. I was a soldier of smoking.
One day, I realised the secret to stopping and it worked. I didn’t go to any seminars or to a hypnotist. I had no acupuncture. No therapy.
Here’s the secret if you want to be a non-smoker. It’s very simple. Are you ready? Ok. The secret to being a non-smoker is this: don’t smoke! Isn’t it brilliant? Don’t walk into that shop, don’t buy them, don’t light them and don’t put them in your mouth. Stop doing these things and you’ll be a non-smoker. Isn’t that great?
Now, to my dismay, I discovered there was a down-side to being a non-smoker, which was that I became a fat bastard. I made little grunting sounds when I tied my laces and I had to buy new trousers – something I didn’t like one little bit. What’s more, I’m still fatter than I was when I smoked, but not as much. I’m reducing again. Why? Well, because I discovered another little well-guarded secret.
Which is? Simple, and just like becoming a non-smoker, only easier. Here’s the secret if you want to be a non-fat-person. It’s very simple. Are you ready? Ok. The secret to being a non-fat-person is this: eat less. Isn’t it brilliant? Don’t walk into that Chinese take-away. Don’t buy that crispy chilli beef, don’t shove it down your throat. Stop doing these things and you’ll be a non-fat-person. Isn’t it great?