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Health Our lives

How I quit smoking and lost weight

I stopped smoking four years ago.

I used to have three cigarettes in bed before I got up. I used to wake up in the middle of the night and go downstairs to have a smoke. Sometimes, I’d be out having a drink and I’d be puffing away at my cigarette, and I’d be thinking, Jesus, I’d love a smoke. I was a very bad smoker.

Actually, no. I was a great smoker. I was a soldier of smoking.

One day, I realised the secret to stopping and it worked. I didn’t go to any seminars or to a hypnotist. I had no acupuncture. No therapy.

Here’s the secret if you want to be a non-smoker. It’s very simple. Are you ready? Ok. The secret to being a non-smoker is this: don’t smoke! Isn’t it brilliant? Don’t walk into that shop, don’t buy them, don’t light them and don’t put them in your mouth. Stop doing these things and you’ll be a non-smoker. Isn’t that great?

Now, to my dismay, I discovered there was a down-side to being a non-smoker, which was that I became a fat bastard. I made little grunting sounds when I tied my laces and I had to buy new trousers – something I didn’t like one little bit. What’s more, I’m still fatter than I was when I smoked, but not as much. I’m reducing again. Why? Well, because I discovered another little well-guarded secret.

Which is? Simple, and just like becoming a non-smoker, only easier. Here’s the secret if you want to be a non-fat-person. It’s very simple. Are you ready? Ok. The secret to being a non-fat-person is this: eat less. Isn’t it brilliant? Don’t walk into that Chinese take-away. Don’t buy that crispy chilli beef, don’t shove it down your throat. Stop doing these things and you’ll be a non-fat-person. Isn’t it great?

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Categories
Humour

Wirey strikes again

I bumped into one of the Gerrys during the week. I hadn’t seen him since we buried Wirey.

Well, Gerry. Did you enjoy the funeral?

He shrugged. Yeah. It was ok.

I didn’t like his tone. Jesus, Gerry, that doesn’t sound like you. If I recall right, you always enjoyed a good funeral.

Gerry shuffled his feet and looked a bit sheepish.

Come on, I said. Out with it. What happened?

Well, said Gerry, I went up to the church with the other Gerry. He had a guitar and I brought a bodhrán and tin whistle. We wanted to play a few of Wirey’s favourite songs.

I know, I said. I heard you planning it in the pub the night before.

Yeah, he said. So we went up to the church, and to be honest with you, now, I don’t know one end of a church from the other.

No more than the rest of us, I assured him. Sure that church was full of fuckers that never said a prayer in their lives.

Anyway, says Gerry, we struck up a few tunes during the ceremony, any time we thought there was a bit of a break in the praying, you know?

I nodded. Very good.

Yeah, he said. We played Snowblind Friend. And then we played Purple Haze.

Excellent choice, I agreed.

Then, he said, we were just getting into the second verse of Plastic Jesus, when the priest stopped all the hubba-hubba stuff he was going on with, and he walked off the altar, straight down the aisle to where we were sitting at the back of the church.

Christ, I said, that was a strange thing to do.

That’s not the half of it. What the fuck do you think you’re doing? says the priest. I looked at the other Gerry, he looked back at me. We’re playing a few songs for Wirey, we told the priest.

Wirey? said the priest. Who the fuck is Wirey?

The guy you’re burying, we told him.

This ceremony is for Mrs O’Toole, said the priest. Now get the fuck out of here.

Gerry took a deep breath and scratched his head. We felt like right fuckin eejits, I can tell you.

I’ll bet you did, I sympathised.

Yeah, he said. It took all the good out of Wirey’s funeral.

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Categories
Humour

Flasher nabbed

Gonad the Ballbearian produced a newspaper clipping today about some fucker in Ennis who was convicted of exposing himself outside a school.

His surname: Bareness.

You just couldn’t make it up.

Categories
Humour

Latest on the Dutch lottery

This is what I got back:

Attention:Bock Derobber,

This is to acknowledge the receipt of your e-mail, and to confirm the validity of the winning notification. You have been approved to receive the sum of 1,000,000.00 (ONE MILLION EUROS), as the new winner of our last Lottery. However, your funds are presently Lodged in the Escrow Account of the Central Bank of The Netherlands, and for you to recieve your winning, you are to open a new account with our Bank, so that your funds can be transferred from the Central Bank’s Account into an operational account you will open with us, for onward transfer into your choice of account in your country. For now,your funds will remain in the Automated Suspense account pending when we collect clearance from The Netherlands Gaming Board on your behalf, and you open a normal account with us to receive your funds from the Escrow Account of the Central Bank.

NOTE: Funds in a suspense account can neither be transferred nor deducted from until the holding bank (Laagste Bank in this instance) formally open a normal account for the funds beneficiary to receive it. After then, the funds can then be remitted to the beneficiary of the new account. These measures are standard financial regulations by European Central Bank (ECB) since the commencement of the global fight against terrorism and the enactment of the new anti-money laundry acts.

WE HAVE TWO TYPES OF (ACCOUNTS) : the ‘Premium Savings account’ and the Premium Current account’. With the Premium Savings Account you can transfer any amount from $100.00 – $100,000.00(One Hundred USDollar – One hundred thousand USDollars) per week, while the Premium Current Account will allow you transfer as much as $101,000.00 – $1,000,000.00 (One Hundred and One Thousand Dollars – One Million Dollars) per week.

Note: You must open one of these accounts to facilitate the transfer of your funds from the central bank’s automated suspense account for onward remittance to your account in your country. To proceed with this transaction therefore, you need to inform us of your choice of account so that we can furnish you with the basic requirements: Minimum Initial Deposit and the processing fees needed for the release of your funds from the Central Bank of The Netherlands. Also, we will send you the account opening forms/funds release orders, to fill and return to us within the next 24hrs.

We look forward to an enduring banking relationship with you.

Yours faithfully,
Edgar Von.

===========================

Obviously I want the money. What do you think I should do? Do you think I should deposit a million euros in this account? It all seems above board, so I probably will lodge the million euros in the next few days.

Here’s what I wrote back:

I do not have a bank account. All my money is in cash. I will bring a bag of cash to Holland: €50,000. This is a good plan as I need to hide some money. Please meet me at the airport. I will be using the name Festy McGonagall.

I will require the following when I arrive:

Two (2) Latvian hookers
A small dog

Please also arrange an armed bodyguard

Bock deRobber

I’m fascinated by this idea of an anti-money laundry. What exactly might that be, do you think? Didn’t the Man From UNCLE have to go through some kind of laundry to meet his boss? Maybe it’s CIA front to stamp out cash so that Mastercard can take over the world.

Categories
Internet

North Korea Blog

Wrinkly Joe sent me the Songun Blog. Is this mad or what? It has to go on the list.

Categories
Humour

Pictogram Post

I received another email this evening. Here’s what it says:

網路創業已是時勢æ‰â€Ã¨¶¨

在 Ã¥®¶ 創 業 系çµ±

Ã¥·²Ã§¶â€œÃ¦Ë†Ã¥Å Å¸Ã§Å¡â€žÃ¥¹«Ã¥Å ©Ã¤ºâ€ Ã¨¨±Ã¥¤Å¡Ã¦Å“‹åâ€¹

每月å¢Å¾Ã¥Å   自己想要çš„ 收å…¥

æ©Å¸Ã¦Å“Æ’! 是給懂å¾â€”把握æ©Å¸Ã¦Å“ƒçš„人.

éâ€â„¢Ã¨¼©Ã¥­,Ã¥¯Ã¨Æ’½Ã¥°±Ã¨®â€œÃ¦â€š¨Ã¦Ë†Ã¥Å Å¸Ã§Å¡â€žÃ¦â€¹Ã¨®Å Ã¤¸â€Ã§â€Å¸

免 è²» 創業手冊

I don’t know what to reply, but it has me worried. What if I’ve won the Shanghai lotto?

Categories
Humour

More Dutch Lottery News

Things are picking up again. I just got another email, and this time I’m certain I’ve won the million. All I have to do is send them my name and address and they’ll rush me a cheque for a Big One. Isn’t that great? Here’s their letter:


THE PROMOTIONS MANAGER

EURO MILLIONS SWEEPSTAKE
Amsterdam,The Netherlands.

Sir/Madam,

CONGRATULATIONS! YOU HAVE WON 1,000,000.00 EUROS.

We are pleased to inform you of the result of Euro Millions Sweepstake,which was held on the January 12, 2007. Your e-mail address attached to e-ticket number: A654781351X, with Prize Number : drew a prize of 1,000,000.00 (One Million Euros). This lucky draw came first in the 2nd Category of the Sweepstake.

You will receive the sum of 1,000,000.00 (One Million Euros) from our authorized bank. Because of some mix-up with sweepstake prizes, including the time limit placed on the payment of your prize: 1,000,000.00 Euros, we advice that you keep all information about this prize confidential until your funds:1,000,000.00 Euros have been transferred to you by our bank. You must adhere to this instruction, strictly, to avoid any delay with the release of your funds to your person. This program has been abused severally in past,so we are doing our best to forestall further occurrence of false claims.

This sweepstake was conducted under the watchful eyes of 8,000 spectators. Your e-mail address attached to e-ticket number A654781351X was selected and; it came out first by an e-ballot draw from over 250,000 e-mail addresses (personal and corporate e-mail addresses).

===================================================

This is what I wrote back. I hope they send me the money soon:

Bank: Laagste Heypotheekofferte Bank. N.L.
Attention: EDGAR VON.

Dear Edgar,

My name is Bock deRobber
Bockschloss, Limerick 69LK2251, Ireland

I am 82 years of age.

My number is A654781351X

I cannot give a phone number. I have no phone or fax because I am too old.

Please send me my million euros immediately. I wish to spend it on illegal substances and Latvian hookers before I die. I would like the money in cash if that is possible. Thank you.

Bock

Categories
Media

I know this is tasteless, but . . .

Tonight I was listening to Newstalk when a report came on about the latest executions in Iraq.

The report said that the Iraqis had hanged two men, and had accidentally decapitated one of them in the process. Then it went on:

Journalists watched a video showing the execution of Saddam’s half-brother and the former head of Iraqi security.

Oh dear.

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Categories
Our lives

I’m too old for this kind of shit

It’ll be great fun, says Cursing Jack. You’ll enjoy it.

No, I reply. I won’t.

You will, he insists. Come out on Friday and give it a try anyway.

They’ll laugh at me, I object. They’ll laugh and point and turn away.

No, he soothes. Not in the slightest. They’re all the same as us.

Old fuckers? I ask.

Yes, he reassures me. All old fuckers.

All right so, I surrender.

………………………………………………………….

Which is why I now seem to have a torn cruciate ligament, a displaced knee-cap, a ruptured vertebra, a dislocated shoulder, a broken nose and an incipient heart-attack.

Fuck indoor soccer. I’m too old for that shit.

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Categories
Humour

One of the Wirey Stories

Wirey always had some scheme going to keep himself in drink, and one of the most successful was the gutter-cleaning business. He and his buddy had a round of regular customers and they used to do a good job, clearing out all the muck and moss and shit that gets washed off the roof. They’d put up the ladder and bring back down bucket after bucket of crap. The customers were delighted with them.

Repeat business was important to Wirey and the other guy, so they had a little insurance policy. Before leaving, they used to sprinkle a pinch of grass seed into the gutter for the next time. It worked well. The same customers called them time and again, until one day the phone rang.

Is that you, Wirey, you fecker?

‘Tis, Mrs O’Leary.

Get down here to my house this instant!

Right-o. I’m on my way.

When Wirey arrived, Mrs O’Leary was standing outside the house. Look up there at my gutters and tell me what you see.

Oh Jesus, Missus, the weeds are gone very bad.

Mrs O’Leary leaned close to Wirey and fixed him with an evil stare. That’s not weeds, you fecker. That’s lettuce!

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