Politics Religion war World

Suicide Bombers

I see that some people in Britain are getting upset about the idea of passenger profiling at airports.

What’s passenger profiling? Well, it’s not something you’d need a genius on the payroll to figure out. Indeed not. What it means is that they’re going to pick out some passengers for deeper questioning, and they’re going to select them on various grounds, including their appearance. I saw a guy on television tonight complaining that it would be discriminatory to pick on young Asian men. Yeah? Your point being? Apart from young Asian men, who else is threatening to launch Holy War on the decadent West? Of course: old Asian men. But the old guys don’t go out and fight, do they? No: they’re too busy growing beards and learning French. So, you would imagine it would make sense to stop some young Asian men, wouldn’t you? Not according to the equality fascists.

So there you are at the airport, and you’re in charge of deciding who should be questioned. You can’t stop everyone, so you have to pick the most likely candidates. What do you tell your minions?

Do not stop any Asians for fucksake. Look, there! See that fuckin Eskimo? He’s probably carrying concealed whale-blubber. Grab him before he detonates it!

And while you’re at it, I want you to grab those two old nuns, that tribe of Apaches and pick up any loose rabbis you notice wandering around.

That’s going to keep our skies safe, I’m telling you.

Where the fuck are we going with this equality shit? The PC people are making all the decisions, and now you can’t identify anything at all about anybody. There’s a horrendous multiple murder in a crowded supermarket. A giant 400-pound one-legged Samoan man goes crazy with a chainsaw and chops a family in half. There are two hundred witnesses. What can the TV news say about it?

A family were dismembered today by a giant –

NO NO NO, you can’t say giant – that’s sizeist!

OK. A family were dismembered today by a fat –

NO NO NO not fat, you can’t say fat.

Right. A family were dismembered today by a Samoan

NO NO NO NO NO, that’s racist and you can’t say it.

Right. A family were dismembered today by a one-legged –

NO NO NO NO NO. We have issues around disability.

Ah, let’s see then. A family were dismembered today by a man –

NO NO NO NO NO!!! Sexism!!

OK. Here we go. A family were dismembered today. Police are looking for someone.

That’s where we’re going, you know.

Meanwhile, the incredibly active intellects in the British security services have come up with a surefire way to keep us safe. As long as your hand luggage is the size of a carrier for a laptop PC, you can bring it on the plane, but not if it’s any bigger.

Oh Jesus, there’s a guy with a slightly-bigger-than-permitted bag!!! Christ Almighty, we’re finished!! Sir, step away from the slightly-bigger-than-permitted bag and place your hands above your head.

I’m starting to feel safer by the minute, especially as they’ve now figured out what the deadly dangerous things are that these new terrorists are bringing on board planes. Toothpaste. 7-Up. There was a guy on the radio today who had a small Spanish pocket dictionary confiscated at Heathrow. They told him they’d take it away and destroy it. (In case it contained anything inflammatory, no doubt). He’d have been ok with a French or German dictionary, but not Spanish. That’s the worst kind. They even have highly literate sniffer dogs at the airports now, fluent in eight European languages and with a passable knowledge of Mandarin and Arabic. The only problem is, the airport authorities refuse to let the dogs light up their pipes or wear dinner jackets.

Now, as you know, I wouldn’t exactly be the world’s greatest admirer of Monkey Boy, and I thought his comments about “Islamic fascists” were especially rich. This is particularly stupid coming from a guy whose supporters think Jesus will cure AIDS, and not only stupid, but dangerous. Still, though, you’d have to admit, there’s a lot of strange ideas among the Muslims. I mean, for instance, I thought Islam was a religion, not a race, not a nationality. So why does everybody in the West take a middle-Eastern name when they convert to Islam?

“Oh, howya, Murty? How’s tings?”

“I am no longer Murty. Call me Youssef Islam Jihad al-Jawhalrlarlarwllalrwlrawrawl!!”

“Oh right. Fair enough so.”

What would be wrong with a Muslim called Brad Flintlock? Or Festy McMonagle? Do they not realise we’re actually not in a fucking desert? Do they think it’s a disguise so nobody will notice they have a big mad freckly boiled Irish head? Ah for fucksake, let me alone.

And don’t get me started on the Jews, who seem to be just as obsessed with their diet. Do they not also realise that we’re not in a fuckin desert? That we have fridges now and the meat won’t go off? So you could actually kill a pig if you wanted and it would be ok, it wouldn’t rot or anything. That we have running water and bathrooms and modern medicine so you no longer have to cut off the top of your dick to stay healthy?

Now that I’m on a roll, do you remember that story of the Gadarene swine, about how Jesus drove a gang of evil spirits out of some poor possessed fucker and into a herd of pigs, who promptly charged straight off the edge of a cliff? The pigs killed themselves, or the evil spirits did: I’m not sure which. Well, this happened (I think) in a place populated exclusively by Jews. There were no Muslims in those days, nor Christians, or only a few. Oy vey! They should keep pigs in such a place, already? I can’t imagine business being great.

But again, as I’m on a roll, I think I see the way forward for Islamic suicide bombers. I doubt if they’ll get past the sniffer dogs with Korans or tubes of exploding toothpaste. Therefore, what I think they should do is simply bring a possessed person onto the plane. Then, when they’re over their target, an Islamic suicide exorcist can hop out of his seat and drive the evil spirits straight into the cockpit, repossessing the pilots and Bingo! Youssef’s your uncle!


Pope offends Muslims

Imagine being a dead Muslim

Muhammad MacGyver

Idiots, religious lunatics and the war on terror

Politics Religion war World

Muhammad MacGyver

I’m not yet completely familiar with this latest terrorist extravaganza and I’ll therefore withhold judgement about what the police have said. I don’t know anything about the plot, or about the plotters, or indeed about anything at all to do with it. And so on that aspect of things, I’ll remain silent for the moment.

Let’s just shut the fuck up for now until we find out what’s going on, ok?




You can’t bring liquids onto a plane?

Is this the end of duty-free as we know it?

Let us just back-track a little bit, here. There’s a book that I heard of called the SAS Handbook, or something like that. I didn’t read it because it involves sleeping in a piece of tin-foil and eating lizard-shit for a month, but the main point is that it’s been around for years and years. And it contains all kinds of dangerous information like how to turn a tooth-pick and a piece of cotton wool into a thermonuclear device.

This is not new. This is stuff that anybody with even the most rudimentary knowledge of chemistry would have been aware of years ago. Yes, you can walk into a hardware shop and yes, you can buy ingredients that, yes, you can turn into a fucking bomb. Every geek and nerd on the planet has known this forever, and therefore, you would imagine, so has every security agency in the world. You’d imagine that, wouldn’t you? In fact, you’d hope so.

Therefore, given that MI5 and the CIA and the KGB and all the rest of the fuckers had this information since the formation of the universe, why is it that only now are they preventing you from taking bottles of stuff onto a plane? Are they saying, Shit! Are you serious? You mean it’s real? You can really make a bomb out of ordinary stuff?

Oh fuck off.

The security apparatus that developed facial recognition software didn’t know that a bottle of stuff might burn?

Come on! I don’t mind being fooled, but for fuck’s sake, don’t take me for a total idiot.

As I said, I haven’t worked out the implications of this stuff yet, and therefore it’s too soon to express any opinion about the operation that’s happening as we speak, but I can’t help remembering one thing: the people in charge of this are the same ones who assured us Jean Charles deMenezes was a terrorist. Hey, I know everyone is entitled to a bad day at work, but still, you gotta think, well, let’s give it a day or two before we make our minds up. Nothing personal, you understand.


Pope offends Muslims

Imagine being a dead Muslim

Suicide bombers 

Idiots, religious lunatics and the war on terror