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comedy

Warrant issued for arrest of Father Todd Unctious

Father Todd Unctious has been accused of breaking flowerpots but I don’t believe it.

father todd unctious

A Donegal court has issued a bench warrant for the arrest of Gerard McSorley who, as everyone knows, is really a well-known cleric masquerading as an actor. And the charges are so trumped up I’m surprised there isn’t a queue of international human-rights lawyers jostling to take the case in Dungloe District Court.

It’s this simple: Father Todd Unctious simply would not damage flowerpots belonging to the Bank of Ireland, unlike the rest of the Irish people, who’d happily burn any bank to the ground. Reverend Unctious is a harmless soul.

Now, it’s not that I’m any sort of apologist for the clergy, as regular readers will be well aware. I’d believe that any of the following would be capable of breaking a bank’s flower pot.

Fr. Andy Riley would do it, and so would …

Fr. Desmond Coyle,
Fr. George Byrne,
Fr. David Nicholson,
Fr. Declan Lynch,
Fr. Ken Sweeney,
Fr. Neil Hannon,
Fr. Keith Cullen,
Fr. Ciaran Donnelly,
Fr. Mick McEvoy,
Fr. Jack White,
Fr. Henry Bigbigging,
Fr. Hank Tree,
Fr. Hiroshima Twinkie
Fr. Stig Bubblecard,
Fr. Johnny Hellzapoppin’,
Fr. Luke Duke,
Fr. Billy Ferry,
Fr. Chewy Louie,
Fr. John Hoop,
Fr. Hairycake Linehan,
Fr. Rebulah Conundrum,
Fr. Peewee Stairmaster,
Fr. Jemima Racktool,
Fr. Jerry Twig,
Fr. Spodo Komodo,

and Fr. Cannabranna Lammer.

But not, absolutely not, Father Todd Unctious.

It’s a travesty of justice to accuse this man of such a thing. Father Todd Unctious never broke so much as a traffic light or a clerical vow, not to mind a flowerpot.

Another example of the Irish state oppressing the clergy. What a disgrace.