British General Election

Since they’re having a general election in Britain, I thought it might be a good idea to summarise the main points for Irish readers unfamiliar with the nuances of British politics.

All three main parties agree on one thing.  They’re not going to mention the savage cuts coming in the next budget after the election, or the fact that these cuts will have to be made by whatever party is in government.

Nobody has any policies, though at one time, it was only the Liberal Democrats who took this approach, and it worked very well for them.   By having no policies whatsoever, they secured a safe future for kaftan weavers, holistic healers and sustainable greenfly-repellent producers.  Lib-Dems, as they’re called, are very, very sincere and well-meaning people, who believe in general niceness and all-round good-eggery.  Most of them are the children of famous novelists and all Liberal Democrats live in the London borough of Camden where they sell high-quality second-hand clothes from eco-boutiques.

Their current leader, Nick Clegg, speaks 138 languages and has nineteen grandmothers, all of whom are White Russian countesses.  He’s eleven feet tall and has been voted the World’s Most Impossibly Handsome Politician.  Clegg believes passionately in a fair and just society, guided by principles of general niceness and fair play, with sustainable dinner parties and organic charades.  He has great respect for idiots.

Former prominent  Lib-Dem leaders include

The Tories have had many policies over the years, all of which involve shooting foreigners.  Tory leaders are raging alcoholics, and all have attended expensive boarding schools where they were repeatedly buggered throughout their formative years. All Tories live in homes which either have the word Hall in their names or else Acacia Avenue.   Tories are also known as Conservatives and the full name of their party is the Conservative and Unionist Party of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, but it is considered bad form to mention the lunatic fringe hicks on whose support they depend.  The main Conservative policies today include keeping out Johnny Foreigner, keeping the yobs in their place and invading places with oil.   They are somewhat to the left of the two main Irish parties.

Their current leader, David Cameron, is a descendant of an ancient Scottish clan, whose main policies involve riding a bicycle while drunk.   He believes that only old Etonians are fit to run Britain, and that Asians are really rather decent chaps when you get to know them.  He was formed in 2003 when a  laboratory transporter experiment accidentally beamed Tony Blair’s mind into a passing Rolls-Royce.

Former prominent Tory leaders include a man who conducted an orchestra, a circus tightrope walker, a demented alcoholic warmonger and Margaret Thatcher, who believed money-supply controlled rainfall.

The Labour Party used to represent the labouring classes until workers and Argentineans were finally eradicated by Margaret Thatcher in the early eighties.  In 1994, Labour’s new leader, Tony Blair, realised that nobody in Britain was working, and therefore rebranded the party as New Labour, which is another name for Conservative.  The main New Labour policies today are identical to the policies of the Tory party, but with added kaftan-weaving and aduki beans.

Their current leader, Gordon Brown, is the miserable son of a Scottish clergyman.   He served as Chancellor in Tony Blair’s conservative government, and has no policies of his own, but believes that all old women are demented bigots.  He has a PhD in history, but no discernible personality.  Gordon Brown is thoroughly sick of the whole thing and will probably step down as Labour leader after the election.

The British electoral system is a straight first-past-the-post race.

This means that most people are never represented by an MP who shares their political views.

In 2010, however, due to brown-rice shortages and a fall in the world demand for kaftans, the Lib-Dem supporters have become more militant, with the result that Nick Clegg is being listened to.  This is the first time in history that anyone has ever listened to the Lib-Dems and it could bring about the unthinkable: a British coalition government.

But the big question is this: who will Nick play footsie with?

If he decides to throw in his lot with the Tories, the new government will look pretty much like this one, with about equal amounts of kaftan-weaving and brown rice.  But if the Lib-Dems and Labour get it on, we could see a huge spike in alternative therapies, reiki, homeopathy and general, all-round, right-on niceness.

So, when did you first start feeling this way?



Michael Martin Resigns

It’s not my place to comment on the politics of our neighbouring country, except to say this: I admire them.  I admire the British politicians.

I admire the fact that they’re prepared to resign, in contrast to the gobshites who populate our body politic.

I admire the fact that, for the most part, they don’t expect to hand down their seats to their sons and daughters.

I admire the fact that their politicians can actually speak instead of mumbling prepared platitudes from a a crib-sheet.

What I don’t admire is their horrible class distinction.

I don’t admire the fact that they looked down on Michael Martin because of his accent, or his social origins, or his religion.

I don’t admire their insufferable self-righteousness, but I do admire their integrity, which is greater than ours.

On the other hand, unlike Douglas Hogg, I can’t imagine an Irish politician claiming expenses for cleaning his moat, but that’s because we’re not posh enough to have moats.

If  Irish politicians actually lived in castles, I can assure you they’d be far worse than any of their British counterparts.

I never thought I’d hear myself saying this, but it’s true: we need to become a lot more like the British.

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