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News

A Gay Bar Next To A Mosque?

You may have noticed that New York is tearing itself asunder in an increasingly polarised debate on whether an Islamic Cultural Centre and Mosque should be built just a few hundred feet for Ground Zero, site of the infamous Islamic attacks of 9/11.  Opponents of the plan say that the building will be an insult to the memory of the people who perished on a day, which to paraphrase FDR, has gone down in infamy.  They claim that Muslims always erect mosques on the sites of their military conquests.  Just like Rome then. Onward Christian soldiers etc.

However, New York mayor Michael Bloomberg, a Jew, reckons that the Islamic Cultural Centre and Mosque should be built.  Bloomberg, appealing to the better angels of our nature, has gone all “Abe Lincoln” on New Yorkers and correctly points out that the American Constitution calls for respect for all creeds and none.  But former mayor Rudolph Giuliani is the polar opposite. Vehemently opposing the plan, he asked, rhetorically, whether Americans would now be erecting commemorative plaques at Pearl Harbour – for the Japanese.

Amid all this, Greg Gutfield, host of the brilliantly irreverent Red Eye on Fox News, has a different take. He says that Muslims have every right to build a mosque.  However, Gutfield also believes that in the same spirit of tolerance and respect that he should be allowed to open a gay bar for Muslims next door.  Gutfield was quoted as saying that his idea is not a joke and that he has spoken with investors who have pledged their support. The bar will cater for gay Muslims and will sell non-alcoholic drinks.

Gutfield plans to call the bar “Al-Gayda or “Homohammed”, and is guaranteeing patrons that the music in his place will be better than next door.  He’s is also considering other names for the bar such as – Infidelicious, Rama-Den or Turbon Cowboy.  He also claims to have invented a new, non-alcohol cocktail for the bar called “72 Virgins.”.

Gutfield said: “And I thought how interesting is it that they (Muslims) are preaching tolerance and communication to Americans? I thought, “wouldn’t it be great to test their tolerance?  So I figured let’s open an Islam-friendly gay bar next door to the mosque. That is my proposal and I’m sticking by it.”

The first Amendment of the American Constitution.

“Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.”

Gutfield is also considering – for a bit of Islamic/Italian flavour maybe? – calling the bar “You Mecca me Hot.”

I don’t think that’s what James Madison, principal author of the American Constitution, had in mind.

It’s all happening in the Big Apple ain’t it?

Categories
Humour

Safe Tourism in New York

Were you ever in New York? Isn’t it great? Isn’t New York the coolest place ever? I think you’ll find it is. I love New York and I’m only sorry it took me so long to visit it for the first time. Some other time, I’ll tell you about the visit I made there with Wrinkly Joe. Eh, on second thoughts, no, actually. In fact, I won’t.

The first time I went to New York, I was a simple small-town Irish guy, as I remain to this day. A harmless poor devil, devoid of guile, innocent, naive and generally gormless.

Forrest Gump.

I had a friend, Tom, who lived in Weehawken – a five-minute boat ride across the East River from Manhattan. He lived in this beautiful clapboard Victorian mansion in a mature old neighbourhood where squirrels ran along branches and people said goodnight to each other when they walked their dogs. You could stand on the front steps of Tom’s house and look out across the river, as I did the first night I arrived jetlagged. You look across the river and there it is: this amazing Manhattan thing. You look up at this wall of light and you’re looking straight up 42nd Street and all you can say is Jesus Christ!

I thought the Chrysler Building was great. I stood there, like the hick that I am, gazing up at it, looking for Batman just like in all those clichés about visitors to New York. Wandering around, staring up at the skyscrapers. Great. But I mean, this place has to be stared at — how else are you going to see the gargoyles? How else are you going to see Bruce Willis hanging on for his life?

And yet. And yet, you don’t really want to look like a tourist. We all know what happens to people in New York staring up at skyscrapers, don’t we? Yes. We do. The word goes out to every mugger within five miles. There’s a tourist staring up at a building. Get the muddafukka!

What to do? I had an idea while staring up at the Chrysler Building that’s going to make us all rich. It’s  a money-maker, I’m certain.

Here’s the plan. I’ll buy thousands of cheap sunglasses and hire a disbarred optician to fit them with very small mirrors angled upwards like a periscope. Triangular prisms would do too. You can walk around staring up at the buildings and nobody thinks you’re a stranger in town.

I’ll add accessories – a range of goods. For instance, you’re staring at your mirrors, so you bump into people all the time. Watch where you’re walkin’, Buddy!

No problem. My people will sell you a telescopic white cane to go with the dark glasses. Everyone thinks you’re blind.

Jeez, man, I’m sorry. Here, let me help you across the street.

The cane folds into your pocket like a pen when you’re not using it. I’ll even sell you an enamelled cup with chip-marks out of it, to go with the ensemble, which is really first-class. Invest in this kit, you can go to New York, stare at as many skyscrapers as you want, cause no offence, don’t get mugged and go home with a cup-full of dollars. The whole kit pays for itself in a morning. This will sell. Look at the potential. Hordes of blind Japanese people, with cameras.

What a marketing brain! We’ll all be rich.