Mother Teresa checked her watch for the hundredth time. It was dark in the tunnel. Dark, cold and damp.
Where the fuck are they? she half-muttered, half-snarled.
The old nun revved the big Mack diesel into a steady, brooding growl.
Come on, whispered Mother Teresa. Come on!
Somewhere in the city, a man and woman slipped away from the reporters and climbed into a top-range Mercedes-Benz. They were happy. They were in love and they were together.
Mother Teresa scowled and lit a cigar. Her camouflaged combat-habit was wet from the swim, her calves ached after the climb, and she had a nasty gash on her shoulder where the sentry nearly got her with his bayonet before she’d finished him off.
Damn you, Dodi, she spat. Damn you, Di! If I can’t have him, then no woman will.
Her wrinkles softened, twirled, blended and intertwined as she remembered those carefree days on the Adriatic islands, running together hand-in-hand among the palm-trees. People sighed and said they were the perfect couple. And those long nights of passion!
Ah, thought Mother Teresa, what a man, what a man, what a mighty good man!
Meanwhile, a young couple hurtled towards their doom in a top-range Mercedes-Benz, a young couple in love, and rich. Rich, in love and doomed. The top-range Mercedes-Benz powered into the tunnel at high speed, alone except for thirty-four hired cars full of photographers.
As the headlights swept into view, Mother Teresa gunned the huge Mack truck, hauling a hundred tons of holy water, straight into the path of the speeding Mercedes-Benz.
Die!! , screamed the saintly old nun. Die Dodi!! Die Di!! Die! Die! Die!
The highly-trained MI5 driver swerved out of the behemoth’s way but it was too late.
In the confusion nobody noticed a poor, simple, camouflaged eighty-year-old Albanian nun drive away in a giant articulated tanker truck.
Nobody, that is, except Elton John, who leaned against a concrete pillar, quietly singing the words of his new song, Sandals in the Bin.
It might be goodbye for now, Mother Teresa, he murmured, but not forever.
While you’re at it, have a look at previous:
Mother Teresa, the Crook
Mother Teresa, Footballing Legend