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The Mobile Consecrator Rises Again

Looks like time to wake up the Machine.

All this talk of religious bigotry and madness reminded me of an old project that got shelved last year, and I suppose it would be no harm to tell you about it again. Especially since I came up with a few tweaks.

You see, it all started when I heard of a truly insane idea to bless the roads by some fool in a local Council .

Eh, what?

Yeah. That’s what I said too. Some idiot responsible for safety promotion decided to get the fucking roads in his area blessed as a kind of a PR stunt.

I know. I know. Sad.

I know.

There’s your witchdoctor, out on the road with his dress and his little wand-thing in a bucket, and he’s flicking holy water at the fucking road and going Hubba Hubba Jesus Jesus Hubba Hubba Jesus Hubba Jesus Hubba. That’s really going to keep down those accident statistics, isn’t it?

Especially when some demented seventeen-year-old coked out of his head comes zinging down the wrong side in a fifteen-year-old souped-up Honda Civic with dem speakas pounding out some ear-bleeding Unce Unce Unce horseshit, and before you know it, Father McDingbat is just one more pile of roadkill.

Not a great plan, though it has its obvious good points in ridding the island of priests.


We needed industry to deal with this problem, and that was why I set my research teams to work in the caverns beneath the mighty Bockschloss. We laboured long and hard. We tore up blank sheets of paper. We tore up blank computer screens.

And eventually, we came up with the Mobile Consecrator.

Here it is.


You see, the great thing about this is that it can be towed behind a Council truck, blessing the roads at high speed. The blessing penetrates the road surface to a depth of about 15mm, making it much more resistant to wear, which was a problem with the old manually-applied blessings.

Not only that, but you can reverse the Consecrator over a grave and set the dial to whatever religion you want. It will consecrate a perfectly rectangular patch with no overspray at all. This used to be a bit of a problem in the past, with our non-denominational burial grounds. You know, you’re planting your relative, and your priest might be a bit shaky after the party, and before you know it, he’s overblessed the Muslim next door. Or the Jew up the way got a little Catholic benediction drifting in the wind. Not good.

It comes complete with a built-in Mecca-Checka that that ensures people get buried facing true Mecca, and not magnetic Mecca, which was a bit of a problem in the past.

So this is a real technical advance. One Council driver can bless thirty or forty graves a day in every known religion, correctly orientated, without overspray.

Of course, it was only a small step from that to developing a military version. By fitting it with huge speakers, it became possible to fire loud curses horizontally at your enemy, while at the same time defiling the ground beneath your wheels with filthy abominations concerning his tenderest beliefs, his womenfolk and his work-ethic. We call it the Mobile Desecrator, and Halliburton are testing it at the moment in Iraq.

I’m working on the latest version, which will come with a Sacrilege-Finder. If it detects that someone has disrespected any religion, a giant arm shoots out of the side and delivers 200 high-speed lashes. Then it empties half a ton of rocks over them before anyone can object.

I’m exporting four dozen to Saudi Arabia and I’ve sent an evaluation model to the Iona Institute  with one of the speakers permanently set to lecture mode.


Ratzo — First Blood


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