The Italian Job

Not everything I write here is true. Did you know that? Sometimes I make things up to keep you amused, but occasionally life smiles on me and something just happens.

I was locking the Bockmobile yesterday at the supermarket when a small car pulled up beside me. The driver was a stocky, vaguely Mediterranean-looking man with a jaunty little moustache and beard.

Scusi, gentlemens, he said. Maybe you speak Italiano?

I knew immediately what I was dealing with, and you probably do too. This comes up every year on radio shows: a friendly Italian man approaches you, says he’s a fashion designer, he was at a trade show and now he has this big stock of leather jackets he doesn’t want to take back to Italy with him.

I have a short fuse. I admit it. Sometimes I can tend to shoot first.

Fuck off! I told him.

You call me fuck off? he shouted back. Fuck you!!

And that seemed to be that. I regretted being so quick to say what I said, but not because I felt sorry for the thieving scumbag con-man. I just thought, Shit, that would have made a good Bockpost, if only I’d let him make his pitch. Fuck it!

And then I forgot about him.

Today, I was walking down the street when a small car pulled up beside me. The driver was stocky, vaguely Mediterranean and had a snappy little moustache with a beard but, to my surprise, he was a different swarthy mustachioed stocky foreigner.

He leaned over to the passenger window.

Excuse, please. You are speak Italian? English? You Irish, yes?

I felt myself bristling, but remembering yesterday, I restrained my tongue.

Yeah. What’s the problem?

Is no problem for me. No problem. I cannot find road to airport. Is late. I miss aeroplane. Please, where is road to airport?

No bother, I said. Turn around here, take a left, keep going, follow the signs.

Ah, grazie, he smiled. Ciao.

I replied, and waved him off.

Christ Almighty. Imagine if I’d allowed my suspicious nature to take control and told him to fuck off. He’s back home, munching his antipasti and waving his glass of Chianti at his grandmother. Those Limericks? They are crazy. I lose my way, I ask one of him for directions and he tell me Va Fanculo!!

Lost in my remorseful little thoughts, I failed to notice the small car pulling up beside me.



There he is again. Scusi please?

Jesus, I said. Did you miss the turn?

You know Brown Thomas? Is big departmen’ store here in Limerick?


Brown Thomas. I am fashion designer and I have here many clothes in car. You are business, perhaps?

Ah for fucksake, I said. Wait there a second.

And to my great surprise, he did. He waited long enough for me to take this:


Latest on the Dutch lottery

This is what I got back:

Attention:Bock Derobber,

This is to acknowledge the receipt of your e-mail, and to confirm the validity of the winning notification. You have been approved to receive the sum of 1,000,000.00 (ONE MILLION EUROS), as the new winner of our last Lottery. However, your funds are presently Lodged in the Escrow Account of the Central Bank of The Netherlands, and for you to recieve your winning, you are to open a new account with our Bank, so that your funds can be transferred from the Central Bank’s Account into an operational account you will open with us, for onward transfer into your choice of account in your country. For now,your funds will remain in the Automated Suspense account pending when we collect clearance from The Netherlands Gaming Board on your behalf, and you open a normal account with us to receive your funds from the Escrow Account of the Central Bank.

NOTE: Funds in a suspense account can neither be transferred nor deducted from until the holding bank (Laagste Bank in this instance) formally open a normal account for the funds beneficiary to receive it. After then, the funds can then be remitted to the beneficiary of the new account. These measures are standard financial regulations by European Central Bank (ECB) since the commencement of the global fight against terrorism and the enactment of the new anti-money laundry acts.

WE HAVE TWO TYPES OF (ACCOUNTS) : the ‘Premium Savings account’ and the Premium Current account’. With the Premium Savings Account you can transfer any amount from $100.00 – $100,000.00(One Hundred USDollar – One hundred thousand USDollars) per week, while the Premium Current Account will allow you transfer as much as $101,000.00 – $1,000,000.00 (One Hundred and One Thousand Dollars – One Million Dollars) per week.

Note: You must open one of these accounts to facilitate the transfer of your funds from the central bank’s automated suspense account for onward remittance to your account in your country. To proceed with this transaction therefore, you need to inform us of your choice of account so that we can furnish you with the basic requirements: Minimum Initial Deposit and the processing fees needed for the release of your funds from the Central Bank of The Netherlands. Also, we will send you the account opening forms/funds release orders, to fill and return to us within the next 24hrs.

We look forward to an enduring banking relationship with you.

Yours faithfully,
Edgar Von.


Obviously I want the money. What do you think I should do? Do you think I should deposit a million euros in this account? It all seems above board, so I probably will lodge the million euros in the next few days.

Here’s what I wrote back:

I do not have a bank account. All my money is in cash. I will bring a bag of cash to Holland: €50,000. This is a good plan as I need to hide some money. Please meet me at the airport. I will be using the name Festy McGonagall.

I will require the following when I arrive:

Two (2) Latvian hookers
A small dog

Please also arrange an armed bodyguard

Bock deRobber

I’m fascinated by this idea of an anti-money laundry. What exactly might that be, do you think? Didn’t the Man From UNCLE have to go through some kind of laundry to meet his boss? Maybe it’s CIA front to stamp out cash so that Mastercard can take over the world.


Pictogram Post

I received another email this evening. Here’s what it says:


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每月å¢Å¾Ã¥Å   自己想要çš„ 收å…¥

æ©Å¸Ã¦Å“Æ’! 是給懂å¾â€”把握æ©Å¸Ã¦Å“ƒçš„人.

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I don’t know what to reply, but it has me worried. What if I’ve won the Shanghai lotto?


More Dutch Lottery News

Things are picking up again. I just got another email, and this time I’m certain I’ve won the million. All I have to do is send them my name and address and they’ll rush me a cheque for a Big One. Isn’t that great? Here’s their letter:


Amsterdam,The Netherlands.



We are pleased to inform you of the result of Euro Millions Sweepstake,which was held on the January 12, 2007. Your e-mail address attached to e-ticket number: A654781351X, with Prize Number : drew a prize of 1,000,000.00 (One Million Euros). This lucky draw came first in the 2nd Category of the Sweepstake.

You will receive the sum of 1,000,000.00 (One Million Euros) from our authorized bank. Because of some mix-up with sweepstake prizes, including the time limit placed on the payment of your prize: 1,000,000.00 Euros, we advice that you keep all information about this prize confidential until your funds:1,000,000.00 Euros have been transferred to you by our bank. You must adhere to this instruction, strictly, to avoid any delay with the release of your funds to your person. This program has been abused severally in past,so we are doing our best to forestall further occurrence of false claims.

This sweepstake was conducted under the watchful eyes of 8,000 spectators. Your e-mail address attached to e-ticket number A654781351X was selected and; it came out first by an e-ballot draw from over 250,000 e-mail addresses (personal and corporate e-mail addresses).


This is what I wrote back. I hope they send me the money soon:

Bank: Laagste Heypotheekofferte Bank. N.L.
Attention: EDGAR VON.

Dear Edgar,

My name is Bock deRobber
Bockschloss, Limerick 69LK2251, Ireland

I am 82 years of age.

My number is A654781351X

I cannot give a phone number. I have no phone or fax because I am too old.

Please send me my million euros immediately. I wish to spend it on illegal substances and Latvian hookers before I die. I would like the money in cash if that is possible. Thank you.