Categories
Religion

Muhammad the Prophet (Peace Be To Him)

Here’s a question for Islamic scholars.

What age was Muhammad’s wife, Aisha, when their marriage was first consummated?

Or if I could be more specific, what age was Aisha when Muhammad the Prophet (Peace Be To Him) first had sex with her?

(Hint: Nine!)

And what age was the Prophet?

(Hint: Fifty-four!)


kick it on kick.ie

Categories
Sexuality

Riding a Bike

Here’s a ludicrous story.

It concerns a gentleman in Scotland who was caught by cleaners —IN PRIVATE!! — attempting to have sex with his bicycle. This fellow lived in a hostel, and apparently had brought the bike back to his room for a little consensual canoodling, but it seems the cleaners didn’t approve. They opened his door with a master key, and caught him in flagrante delicto.   Now he’s saddled with a conviction.

I’m not sure exactly how they knew he was having sex with his bicycle. Maybe its bell was ringing too loudly, or it might have been the vigorous pumping that alerted them. Perhaps he was just straightening the fork. Or he could have been oiling its chain. I don’t know. I’m also a little unclear whether this bicycle-sex-disapproval is a uniquely Scottish thing, or if the rest of the Brits are equally against it, but it didn’t go down too well anyway. So to speak.

Now, I was going to write something shallow, flippant, juvenile and sniggering about it, but then I read the BBC report and really, there isn’t a whole lot anyone could add, so I’ll just give it to you (sorry) straight (sorry again).

Here’s exactly what it says on the BBC report, and apologies to them for shamelessly lifting the entire thing.  Sorry, BBC.

A man caught trying to have sex with his bicycle has been sentenced to three years on probation.

Robert Stewart, 51, admitted a sexually aggravated breach of the peace by conducting himself in a disorderly manner and simulating sex.

Sheriff Colin Miller also placed Stewart on the Sex Offenders Register for three years.

Mr Stewart was caught in the act with his bicycle by cleaners in his bedroom at the Aberley House Hostel in Ayr.

Gail Davidson, prosecuting, told Ayr Sheriff Court: “They knocked on the door several times and there was no reply.

“They used a master key to unlock the door and they then observed the accused wearing only a white t-shirt, naked from the waist down.

“The accused was holding the bike and moving his hips back and forth as if to simulate sex.”

Both cleaners, who were “extremely shocked”, told the hostel manager who called police.

Sheriff Colin Miller told Stewart: “In almost four decades in the law I thought I had come across every perversion known to mankind, but this is a new one on me. I have never heard of a ‘cycle-sexualist’.”

Stewart had denied the offence, claiming it was caused by a misunderstanding after he had too much to drink.

The bachelor had been living in the hostel since October 2006 after moving from his council house in Girvan.

He now lives in Ayr.

 

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Vaguely related Bock pieces:

Bondage Accessories

Sex Aids


 

 

Categories
Crime Religion

They just don’t get it, do they?

Bishop Willie Walsh is probably the best of the Irish Catholic hierarchy. He’s an affable, humble and self-effacing guy. He believes in reaching out to his people and he goes among them as an equal. He has a genuine sense of empathy with others and he is never arrogant, unlike so many of his colleagues.

Willie, as I said, is probably the best of them.

Fr Con Desmond came to Willie, his bishop, in 1995. It was just after Father Brendan Smyth, the notorious child-rapist, had been arrested. The country was enraged with the clergy and talk of clerical sexual abuse was everywhere. Fr Desmond was bothered by this new climate, with good reason, as it later turned out, and he turned to Willie Walsh for advice.

Now, put yourself in the Bishop’s place. Here comes this guy who works for you, and he says Willie, I’m bothered by this new climate. People are very annoyed at priests for raping kids and I want to tell you about something I did a few years ago.

What would you think he was trying to tell you? You’re the Bishop, and you’re thinking, Climate against raping kids. OK. You’re also thinking, He wants to tell me something.

Let’s see. What could it be? Maybe he didn’t pay his TV licence? Ah no.

OK then. Perhaps he stole some toffee-apples from a blind shopkeeper? No, Ted.

Right. Possibly he had two pints and drove home, the rascal? Nyet!

OK then. One last go. I know. I have it now: he knocked on a door and ran away! Ah-aaaaH!

Look, says Willie to this priest, I hope you’re not going to tell me anything about shagging kids, because if you do, I’ll have to tell the cops.

Father Con pauses for a second. Ah Jesus no, Willie. I was just going to say that I didn’t pay my TV licence, I stole a toffee-apple, I drove drunk and I rang a doorbell.

Right, says Bishop Willie. Off you go then.

Later on, Willie sent Fr Desmond to a shrink who said he was no danger to children.

That’s grand, says Willie. Carry on as a priest, visiting schools and hospitals, and blessing swimming pools. I’ll say no more about it.

Fr Con Desmond was recently convicted of sexually abusing a child in 1982.

As I said, Bishop Willie Walsh is probably the best of them. Imagine what the rest are like.

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Sean, (can I call you that?)