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Idiots, religious lunatics and the war on terror

Did you see the recent incident where American Airlines dragged some poor guy off a flight because he had dark skin? And two Israeli guys off the same flight for having “heavy accents”? Jesus. What next? I thought he might be about to grow a beard, so I shot him. You can’t beat the Yanks when it comes to putting fools in charge of security.

At the same time, though, we do need some protection from nutcases. I see that some people in Britain are getting upset about the idea of passenger profiling at airports. What’s passenger profiling? Well, it’s not something you’d need a genius on the payroll to figure out. Indeed not. What it means is that they’re going to pick out some passengers for deeper questioning, and they’re going to select them on various grounds, including their appearance. I saw a guy on television complaining that it would be discriminatory to pick on young Asian men. Yeah? Your point being? Apart from young Asian men, who else is threatening to launch Holy War on the decadent West? Of course: old Asian men. But the old guys don’t go out and fight, do they? No: they’re too busy growing beards and learning French. So, you would imagine it would make sense to stop some young Asian men, wouldn’t you? Not according to the equality fascists.

There you are at the airport, and you’re in charge of deciding who should be questioned. You aren’t an American security-woman with an enormous arse. You actually have a brain and you can’t stop everyone, so you have to pick the most likely candidates. What do you tell your minions?

Don’t stop any Asians for fucksake. Look, there! See that fuckin Eskimo? He’s probably carrying concealed whale-blubber. Grab him before he detonates it! And while you’re at it, I want you to grab those two old nuns, that tribe of Apaches and pick up any loose rabbis you notice wandering around.

That’s going to keep our skies safe, I’m telling you.

Where are we going with this equality shit? The PC people are making all the decisions, and now you can’t identify anything at all about anybody. There’s a horrendous multiple murder in a crowded supermarket. A giant 400-pound one-legged Samoan man goes crazy with a chainsaw and chops a family in half. There are two hundred witnesses. What can the TV news say about it?

A family were dismembered today by a giant –

NO NO NO, you can’t say giant – that’s sizeist!

OK. A family were dismembered today by a fat –

NO NO NO not fat, you can’t say fat.

Right. A family were dismembered today by a Samoan

NO NO NO NO NO, that’s racist and you can’t say it.

Right. A family were dismembered today by a one-legged –

NO NO NO NO NO. We have issues around disability.

Ah, let’s see then. A family were dismembered today by a man –

NO NO NO NO NO!!! Sexism!!

OK. Here we go. A family were dismembered today. Police are looking for someone.

That’s where we’re going, you know.

Meanwhile, the incredibly active intellects in the British security services have come up with a surefire way to keep us safe. As long as your hand luggage is the size of a carrier for a laptop PC, you can bring it on the plane, but not if it’s any bigger.

Oh Jesus, there’s a guy with a slightly-bigger-than-permitted bag!!! Christ Almighty, we’re finished!! Sir, step away from the slightly-bigger-than-permitted bag and place your hands above your head.

I’m starting to feel safer by the minute, especially as they’ve now figured out what the deadly dangerous things are that these new terrorists are bringing on board planes. Toothpaste. 7-Up. There was a guy on the radio recently who had a small Spanish pocket dictionary confiscated at Heathrow. They told him they’d take it away and destroy it. (In case it contained anything inflammatory, no doubt). I suppose he’d have been ok with a French or German dictionary, but not Spanish. No indeed. Not Spanish. That’s the worst kind. They even have highly literate sniffer dogs at the airports now, fluent in eight European languages and with a passable knowledge of Mandarin and Arabic. The only problem is, the airport authorities refuse to let the dogs light up their pipes or wear dinner jackets.

Now, as you know, I wouldn’t exactly be the world’s greatest admirer of Monkey Boy, and I thought his comments about “Islamic fascists” were especially rich. This is particularly stupid coming from a guy whose supporters think Jesus will cure AIDS, and not only stupid, but dangerous. Still, though, in spite of Monkey-Boy, you’d have to admit there’s a lot of strange ideas among the Muslims. I mean, for instance, I thought Islam was a religion, not a race, not a nationality. So why does everybody in the West take a middle-Eastern name when they convert to Islam?

Oh, howya, Murty? How’s things?

I am no longer Murty. Call me Youssef Islam Jihad al-Jawhalrlarlarwllalrwlrawrawl!!

Oh right. Fair enough.

What would be wrong with a Muslim called Brad Flintlock? Or Festy McMonagle? Do they not realise we’re actually not in a fucking desert? Do they think it’s a disguise so nobody will notice they have a big mad freckly boiled Irish head? Ah for fucksake, let me alone.

And don’t get me started on the Jews, who seem to be just as obsessed with their diet. Do they not also realise that we’re not in a desert? That we have fridges now and the meat won’t go off? So you could actually kill a pig if you wanted and it would be ok, it wouldn’t rot or anything. That we have running water and bathrooms and modern medicine so you no longer have to cut off the top of your dick to stay healthy?

Now that I’m on a roll, do you remember that story of the Gadarene swine, about how Jesus drove a gang of evil spirits out of some poor possessed fucker and into a herd of pigs, who promptly charged straight off the edge of a cliff? The pigs killed themselves, or the evil spirits did: I’m not sure which. Well, this happened (I think) in a place populated exclusively by Jews. There were no Muslims in those days, nor Christians, or only a few, which leads me to the inexorable conclusion that the people keeping the pigs were Jews. What changed? Oy vey! They should keep pigs in such a place, already? I can’t imagine business being great.

But again, as I’m on a roll, I think I see the way forward for Islamic suicide bombers. I doubt if they’ll get past the sniffer dogs with Korans or tubes of exploding toothpaste. Therefore, what I think they should do is simply bring a possessed person onto the plane. Then, when they’re over their target, an Islamic suicide exorcist can hop out of his seat and drive the evil spirits straight into the cockpit, repossessing the pilots and Bingo! Youssef’s your uncle!

===================

Pope offends Muslims

Imagine being a dead Muslim

Suicide bombers 

Muhammad MacGyver


kick it on kick.ie

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Favourites Politics Religion war World

Imagine being a dead Muslim martyr

I was out tonight in my pub of choice, having a few scoops of my drink of choice with my friends of choice, when the subject of Islamic martyrdom came up.

This is how sad I am, and how pathetically sad my friends of choice are too.

As we were all men, somebody was bound to bring up the matter of the 77 virgins. You just would, y’know? Somebody said, Well, it isn’t that bad. You have the 77 virgins waiting for you when you die heroically, after the martyrdom, which is probably painful all right, probably very fukken painful getting a spear through your chest but still, 77 virgins, y’know. How bad?

And on the face of it, that’s probably true. On the face of it, you would certainly think, how bad could it be?

Well, here comes the news. It could be pretty fucking bad. There you are, newly-arrived in heaven, and here’s your 77 virgins. How’s it goin’, Boss? Satisfy us, ya bollix!

All well and good. You get down to business, and as it’s heaven, involving the afterlife where you don’t get tired or any of that kind of thing, you finally manage to satisfy the 77 virgins.

Jesus Christ, I need a pint.

You’re about to slither off for a pint.

Where the fuck do you think you’re going? says the 77 ex-virgins.

To the pub!!

Without us? Not a chance!!

And there you are, eventually, having called 19 taxis. Right darlings, what are we having?

A stupid question. You stand at the bar, discussing your order with the barman who can’t believe what a stupid twat you are:

Let’s see if I have that, now. 32 Heineken with ice. 14 Heineken with lime. 4 spritzers. 2 gin and tonic. 5 Jagermeisters. 2 Fat Frogs. 11 tequila slammers. 3 pints of Bulmers. 3 Jamesons. 1Black Bush. And a Guinness.

No bother.

Jesus, there’s Mikey. How’s it goin’, Mikey – what will you have?

Oh, I’ll have a pint of Guinness, 44 tequila slammers, 15 red wines, 3 Wild Turkeys, 12 Coronas and 3 Slivovitz.

Grand, says the barman. That’s 32 Heineken with ice, 14 Heineken with lime, 4 spritzers, 5 Jagermeisters, 3 Jamesons, 55 tequila slammers, 2 gin and tonics, 2 Fat Frogs, 3 pints of Bulmers, 15 red wines, 3 Wild Turkeys, 12 Coronas and 3 Slivovitz. 1 Black Bush. And 2 pints of Guinness.

That’s right. Oh, Jaysus, here’s Tommy with his Mexican virgins. Tommy will ya have a pint? Grand. Will ya make that 3 pints of Guinness. And 121 tequila slammers. Grand. Fine.

Finally, after eight of the lads turn up, we get a cosy little sing-song going, involving a medley of old numbers by Captain Beefheart and the Velvet Underground. The 693 virgins seem a little pissed off at our lack of attention.

What’s wrong? we say.

As one, the 693 virgins reply, Nothing!

================

 

Pope offends Muslims

Suicide bombers

Muhammad MacGyver

Idiots, religious lunatics and the war on terror


Categories
Politics Religion

Pope Offends Muslims

I never thought I’d be saying this, but really, the Catholics aren’t too bad, are they? At least they don’t lose their minds every time somebody someplace thinks something bad about them. They don’t run around burning effigies and smacking themselves on the head with a fucking machete.

What’s the deal with these Muslims? OK, I know Pope Ratzo made some very offensive remarks, though you couldn’t call them ill-considered, coming as they did from the former chief of the Holy Inquisition. But still, come on! Grow up, lads. Get a life. Also, admittedly, Ratzo made comments about the use of violence to propagate religion, and admittedly he confined his remarks to Islam, seeming for some reason to overlook, for example, the genocides perpetrated by the Crusaders in the name of Christianity. That is true. He did. But after all, he’s an old man, and his brain is tired from years of running the Holy Inquisition (These days, of course, no longer torturing people with the Rack, and the Boot or the Iron Maiden, but perhaps silencing them in more subtle ways). Admittedly, he also overlooked the more recent attempted genocides by the Catholic ruling faction in Croatia during WWII, but again, he’s an old man, and anyway he was too busy in WWII shooting down Allied bombers. Wasn’t he? We must do a piece on the Waffen SS some time, out of interest. Whatever the truth of it, the Holy Father somehow seems to notice only Islamic violence, which is a bit unfortunate, you have to admit, but still, why the long face?

Suddenly they’re burning effigies in Pakistan. What the fuck is that? Does the word go out across the Muslim world – burn a fucking effigy!!

If you were offended by something, would you just happen to have a spare effigy somewhere about the house, ready for burning? Get me down the effigy there, Martha. It’s time for a burnin’!

What the fuck is that? Do Islamic homes have a sign in the hallway, like the instructions on a bus? In case of offence, burn effigy?

Some guy published a few cartoons, none of which was particularly insulting, and the next thing we knew they were out on the streets killing people, and trampling each other to death. What?? Do you think Christians would be trampling each other to death because of something Gary Larsen said? Are you mad? Or the Life of Brian? No? That’s right: no. Here in Ireland, they did actually ban the Life of Brian for a while, but that was because in those days the country was still run by the Catholic Taliban. They’re all gone now of course. These days they’re too busy running their private clinics, and have no time to worry about religion.

Imagine what would happen to Bock if Jesus was a Muslim. That would be the end of my Action Redeemer range of toys. There would be no Crucifixion Kit for Boys in the Christmas stocking this year. No Slaughter of the Innocents X-Box game. What would become of my blockbuster movie, Resurrection Payback, coming soon to a cinema near you, starring Vin Diesel as Jesus. All gone. It would be just myself and Salman Rushdie holed up in a cave near Kilfenora, with no hope of mercy.

Howya, Salman.

Howya, Bock.

Not so bad, Salman. I read that book of yours, Midnight’s Children.

Did ya, Bock?

I did, Salman. I thought you were a bit hard on Mrs Gandhi, now. A bit hard, Salman, if ya don’t mind me sayin’ it.

Not at all Bock. I read your blog too.

Did ya, Salman?

I did, Bock. ‘Twas shite.

There’s a lot I admire about true Islam. For instance, its tolerance towards other faiths. Its absolute prohibition on violence against innocent people.

Hmmm. Not a lot of real Muslims around then – just like Christians.

===================
Imagine being a dead Muslim

Suicide bombers

Muhammad MacGyver

Idiots, religious lunatics and the war on terror

Categories
Crime Politics war World

The war on terror

Just for the record, let me tell you that the US Senate Select Committee on Intelligence today released a report about Iraq. If you want to read the full text, you can find it here.

What does the report say? In summary, it says that Saddam Hussein had fuck-all to do with al-Qaeda, that in fact he distrusted the fuckers deeply because they were mad Islamic fundamentalist crazy bastards and he was afraid they wanted to overthrow him, and furthermore that he refused all their requests of help. He also had no weapons of mass destruction.

So there you have it. Officially, from the US Senate, confirmation that Iraq had nothing whatever to do with the 9-11 attacks. Well, we all knew this, didn’t we? Of course we did. All of us except two hundred million Americans. And still we hear W and Rumsfeld pumping out the Big Lie.

Look. This is what the Senate report says:

No nukes
No chemical weapons
No biological weapons
No Islamic extremists
No 9-11 plot
No support for al Qaeda

Right. So why the fuck did they invade him? Because he was an appalling murderous despot? No: they spent years setting up appalling murderous despots all over the world and Saddam was just one more in a long list. Because he was a threat to world peace? No: there was a real-life lunatic in North Korea at the time who really did have nukes, and who was threatening to fire them at Japan. Did the US invade that mad bastard? Did they fuck!

I don’t know if you heard Rummy on TV last week. Following comments about appeasing Hitler, and linking Iraq with Islamic extremism, he went on to say “once again, we face similar challenges in efforts to confront the rising threat of a new type of fascism. But some seem not to have learned history’s lessons.” It’s incredible. This guy can lie out of two sides of his mouth at the same time, which is an amazing trick, you’d have to admit.

And incidentally, while we’re talking about the appeasement of tyrants, think back to Saddam’s gassing of the Kurds in 1983. Who was the first senior American emissary into Baghdad after those attacks? That’s right. It was Rummy, with a hearty handshake and a big fat weapons brochure for Saddam to flip through. “Have a look through that, Saddam, me old stock, see if there’s any bangers in there you’d like to fire at them fekkin Kurds.”

Categories
Politics Religion war World

Suicide Bombers

I see that some people in Britain are getting upset about the idea of passenger profiling at airports.

What’s passenger profiling? Well, it’s not something you’d need a genius on the payroll to figure out. Indeed not. What it means is that they’re going to pick out some passengers for deeper questioning, and they’re going to select them on various grounds, including their appearance. I saw a guy on television tonight complaining that it would be discriminatory to pick on young Asian men. Yeah? Your point being? Apart from young Asian men, who else is threatening to launch Holy War on the decadent West? Of course: old Asian men. But the old guys don’t go out and fight, do they? No: they’re too busy growing beards and learning French. So, you would imagine it would make sense to stop some young Asian men, wouldn’t you? Not according to the equality fascists.

So there you are at the airport, and you’re in charge of deciding who should be questioned. You can’t stop everyone, so you have to pick the most likely candidates. What do you tell your minions?

Do not stop any Asians for fucksake. Look, there! See that fuckin Eskimo? He’s probably carrying concealed whale-blubber. Grab him before he detonates it!

And while you’re at it, I want you to grab those two old nuns, that tribe of Apaches and pick up any loose rabbis you notice wandering around.

That’s going to keep our skies safe, I’m telling you.

Where the fuck are we going with this equality shit? The PC people are making all the decisions, and now you can’t identify anything at all about anybody. There’s a horrendous multiple murder in a crowded supermarket. A giant 400-pound one-legged Samoan man goes crazy with a chainsaw and chops a family in half. There are two hundred witnesses. What can the TV news say about it?

A family were dismembered today by a giant –

NO NO NO, you can’t say giant – that’s sizeist!

OK. A family were dismembered today by a fat –

NO NO NO not fat, you can’t say fat.

Right. A family were dismembered today by a Samoan

NO NO NO NO NO, that’s racist and you can’t say it.

Right. A family were dismembered today by a one-legged –

NO NO NO NO NO. We have issues around disability.

Ah, let’s see then. A family were dismembered today by a man –

NO NO NO NO NO!!! Sexism!!

OK. Here we go. A family were dismembered today. Police are looking for someone.

That’s where we’re going, you know.

Meanwhile, the incredibly active intellects in the British security services have come up with a surefire way to keep us safe. As long as your hand luggage is the size of a carrier for a laptop PC, you can bring it on the plane, but not if it’s any bigger.

Oh Jesus, there’s a guy with a slightly-bigger-than-permitted bag!!! Christ Almighty, we’re finished!! Sir, step away from the slightly-bigger-than-permitted bag and place your hands above your head.

I’m starting to feel safer by the minute, especially as they’ve now figured out what the deadly dangerous things are that these new terrorists are bringing on board planes. Toothpaste. 7-Up. There was a guy on the radio today who had a small Spanish pocket dictionary confiscated at Heathrow. They told him they’d take it away and destroy it. (In case it contained anything inflammatory, no doubt). He’d have been ok with a French or German dictionary, but not Spanish. That’s the worst kind. They even have highly literate sniffer dogs at the airports now, fluent in eight European languages and with a passable knowledge of Mandarin and Arabic. The only problem is, the airport authorities refuse to let the dogs light up their pipes or wear dinner jackets.

Now, as you know, I wouldn’t exactly be the world’s greatest admirer of Monkey Boy, and I thought his comments about “Islamic fascists” were especially rich. This is particularly stupid coming from a guy whose supporters think Jesus will cure AIDS, and not only stupid, but dangerous. Still, though, you’d have to admit, there’s a lot of strange ideas among the Muslims. I mean, for instance, I thought Islam was a religion, not a race, not a nationality. So why does everybody in the West take a middle-Eastern name when they convert to Islam?

“Oh, howya, Murty? How’s tings?”

“I am no longer Murty. Call me Youssef Islam Jihad al-Jawhalrlarlarwllalrwlrawrawl!!”

“Oh right. Fair enough so.”

What would be wrong with a Muslim called Brad Flintlock? Or Festy McMonagle? Do they not realise we’re actually not in a fucking desert? Do they think it’s a disguise so nobody will notice they have a big mad freckly boiled Irish head? Ah for fucksake, let me alone.

And don’t get me started on the Jews, who seem to be just as obsessed with their diet. Do they not also realise that we’re not in a fuckin desert? That we have fridges now and the meat won’t go off? So you could actually kill a pig if you wanted and it would be ok, it wouldn’t rot or anything. That we have running water and bathrooms and modern medicine so you no longer have to cut off the top of your dick to stay healthy?

Now that I’m on a roll, do you remember that story of the Gadarene swine, about how Jesus drove a gang of evil spirits out of some poor possessed fucker and into a herd of pigs, who promptly charged straight off the edge of a cliff? The pigs killed themselves, or the evil spirits did: I’m not sure which. Well, this happened (I think) in a place populated exclusively by Jews. There were no Muslims in those days, nor Christians, or only a few. Oy vey! They should keep pigs in such a place, already? I can’t imagine business being great.

But again, as I’m on a roll, I think I see the way forward for Islamic suicide bombers. I doubt if they’ll get past the sniffer dogs with Korans or tubes of exploding toothpaste. Therefore, what I think they should do is simply bring a possessed person onto the plane. Then, when they’re over their target, an Islamic suicide exorcist can hop out of his seat and drive the evil spirits straight into the cockpit, repossessing the pilots and Bingo! Youssef’s your uncle!

====================

Pope offends Muslims

Imagine being a dead Muslim

Muhammad MacGyver

Idiots, religious lunatics and the war on terror