Sc**thorpe United

Home from the pub. Small bit drunk, but it is the festive season. Let’s have a look. How did our favourite 3rd division team do tonight?

Whattttt????? I don’t fucking believe it!!????!!!???

Beaten three-one? What??

This is a fucking disaster. I don’t believe it!!

A disaster.

Right. Where’s my chainsaw? I’m off to kill a crowd of innocent people in a shopping mall.

Fuckin useless bastards have dropped to third.


Go to see Impact Theatre, you fucking bastard!

Impact are doing a play at the moment. It has Magnum in it, wearing a Hawaiian shirt and it’s fucking great, so go and see it now, you stingy fucker. Tom Selleck will be there in person, the miserable right-wing gun-promoting Screen-Actors-Guild bastard. It’s a pity the two Dobermenn didn’t savage the bollocks off him when they had the chance, but you have to admit, he has a great moustache.

Pay the fucking money cos I heard it’s great. I met them tonight in the pub and they said it’s fuckin great and I believe them cos they’re very nice people and they wouldn’t lie.

Tell you tomorrow night if it’s any good, but go anyway, you tight fuck. Support your local actors.

kick it on


Scunthorpe United

The bums had another good win at the weekend, leaving them comfortably at second place in the league, behind Notts Forest.

This is unheard of, and long-time Sc**thorpe United supporters are a little unsettled by such a turn of events. Normally, at this stage in the competition, the bums would have got into a drink-driven groove, languishing about three-quarters way down the table and barely managing to not get relegated. Astonishingly, however, this year they seem to have a different agenda, involving actually winning something. Incredible. Incroyable!

We’ll have to get over there in February for a game. I’ll report on how it goes.


The Way We Still Are

I shot this in Charleville a few weeks back.


The Way We Were

I shot this pic recently, on my way to Cork.

Food & Drink


Ooops! No. Sorry, can’t do it. I’m still shattered after the Wrinkly Weekend. Normal service will resume tomorrow.



We went to Impact last night for their final Beckett offering. Endgame.


What to make of it? Ha! I don’t know. I’ll have to think about it a lot, and maybe go again before they finish.

I won’t single out any performance. In fact, I won’t even mention just the cast of Endgame. The whole fuckin lot of them do a great job for us, and everybody in Limerick should support them. They’re great.

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Favourites Humour


I’m a modest soul, and I don’t like to beat my own drum too loudly in case people would think I was being conceited. But at the same time, you’d have to agree that my genius has given the world some wonderful inventions.

For instance, I’ve just finished developing a revolutionary new breakfast food which is basically a biscuit made by grinding up a mixture of beef, pork, ostrich, horse, crocodile and bread.

Watch out for it in the shops: it’s called Meatabix.

Older readers, however, will remember my earlier inventions such as the Muslim prayer-compass for finding magnetic Mecca,which was very useful for adeherents to the Magnetic Muslim faith. However, now we know for sure that Ratzo is going to Turkey, it’s time to unveil the full military version of the Mobile Desecrator, which has been under development for several months.

After six months testing in Iraq, I now have a fully-operational military version available. It fires curses sideways at high speed and rotates between all known beliefs and tongues, so that no matter what fucking lunatic is attacking you, he’s going to be cursed comprehensively in his own religion and language.

As you know, Ratzo broke into my bedroom a while back in an attempt to gain control of this technology, but he failed, and now the Vatican has had to buy my weapon under licence. There’s a high-powered version fitted to the chassis of the Popemobile, my technicians are currently fitting an airborne version to the Papal Boeing, and an elite squad from the Sisters of Mercy special operations branch is being trained to operate it.

I’m telling you now, they better not fuck with Ratzo over there in Turkey, or they’ll get the cursing full blast, and then they’ll be sorry, I can tell you.

Oh yeah!



Sorry. I know I’ve been a bit remiss in recent weeks bringing you the latest on Scunthorpe United, but you’ll be delighted to know that they are now second in the league on 35 points. Obviously they can’t afford to relax, being a full six points behind league-leaders Nottingham Forest, but as they beat the shit out of Forest 4-0 at their last encounter, it’s hard not to feel optimistic.

Isn’t it great to know that the football team of an obscure North-Eastern English town is doing so well in the Third Division? What the fuck is wrong with us people?


New Dáil Chamber

I see from a report in the papers that a new Dáil chamber is being considered. It’s going to be a state-of-the-art facility with any amount of bells and whistles.

There’s going to be a Cone of Silence where deals can be agreed with religious orders and multinational oil companies.This will be very useful in facilitating the full transfer of power from the electorate to the Vatican-US Oil Corp in 2025.

Recognising the difficulty some rural members have, travelling from places like West Cork and Donegal, the new Dáil chamber will have a 5,000-metre deep cavern housing a Stargate.

For shorter distances – say across Dublin, for example – there’s going to be a matter-transporter capable of beaming even the most obese member from Dun Laoghaire to Malahide if, for instance, a supermarket urgently needs to be opened. This measure is expected to yield great savings in Garda time, now that they won’t be required to force all the drivers on the M50 onto the hard shoulder every time a minister needs to get home for his lunch.

And finally, there’s going to be a Universal Translator, for all those illiterate gobshite TDs who stand up and mutter away in Klingon until somebody tells them to shut the fuck up.