“I heard you saying A Fistful of Dollars”
That’s right, I say. A Fistful of Dollars. We were thinking of having it as one of our movie nights in my house. A Fistful of Dollars and For a Few Dollars More. As a double, cos they were the first two and the fuckin best too, if you ask me.
Do you know anybody who wears a waistcoat to go to the pub on a Sunday night? Well, yes, in fact, I know plenty of people who wear a waistcoat to go to the pub. There’s Gerry, the Phyllis Diller impersonator. His waistcoat has millions of little Mr T pictures printed on it and his hair is dyed purple. But that isn’t really waistcoat territory. Well, there’s Johnny the pervert. There he is at the bar, in a waistcoat and tights. No. Not quite it either, but at least they both fit in.
This guy has a waistcoat, and a white shirt and a tie. He’s leaning forward, almost completely into Joe’s face and he’s saying things that I thought only people on acid could hear.
I heard you saying A Fistful of Dollars.
Joe is looking at him like he’s just burst out of his chest.
Tom gestures at his female companion. We haven’t been to a movie in 21 years.
Really? Joe manages to nod, the other night, we watched “Fire, Walk With Me”.
Tom isn’t rattled. Twenty one years. Isn’t that right, Marian?
Marian nods. Marian is looking at Joe like he’ll do fine for tonight, having lived with a waistcoated nutcase for over twenty-one years.
Alien, I say. That’s what we’ll have next in my house. We’ll get a gang out and watch Alien and Aliens. We’ll have a few beers and a laugh. Hans Rudi Giger, y’know. Set design? A – ha, a -ha?
The last movie Marian and I saw was –
No!, I interject. Don’t tell us. Was it Apocalypse Now? Or perhaps Blade Runner? Maybe it was Betty Blue? No, the Killing Fields!
Tom’s monologue continues uninterrupted.
. . . the last movie Marian and I saw was –
What???? we all scream
was Crocodile Dundee.
A terrible gloom descends over the whole pub.
Eventually, someone speaks.
After 21 years, the last movie you saw was fucking Crocodile Dundee?
Tom adjusts his waistcoat.
Come on Marian. I have to check if you arranged the bean tins properly in the larder.