Categories
Humour

Waistcoat? What??

“I heard you saying A Fistful of Dollars”

That’s right, I say. A Fistful of Dollars. We were thinking of having it as one of our movie nights in my house. A Fistful of Dollars and For a Few Dollars More. As a double, cos they were the first two and the fuckin best too, if you ask me.

Do you know anybody who wears a waistcoat to go to the pub on a Sunday night? Well, yes, in fact, I know plenty of people who wear a waistcoat to go to the pub. There’s Gerry, the Phyllis Diller impersonator. His waistcoat has millions of little Mr T pictures printed on it and his hair is dyed purple. But that isn’t really waistcoat territory. Well, there’s Johnny the pervert. There he is at the bar, in a waistcoat and tights. No. Not quite it either, but at least they both fit in.

This guy has a waistcoat, and a white shirt and a tie. He’s leaning forward, almost completely into Joe’s face and he’s saying things that I thought only people on acid could hear.

I heard you saying A Fistful of Dollars.

Joe is looking at him like he’s just burst out of his chest.

Tom gestures at his female companion. We haven’t been to a movie in 21 years.

Really? Joe manages to nod, the other night, we watched “Fire, Walk With Me”.

Tom isn’t rattled. Twenty one years. Isn’t that right, Marian?

Marian nods. Marian is looking at Joe like he’ll do fine for tonight, having lived with a waistcoated nutcase for over twenty-one years.

Alien, I say. That’s what we’ll have next in my house. We’ll get a gang out and watch Alien and Aliens. We’ll have a few beers and a laugh. Hans Rudi Giger, y’know. Set design? A – ha, a -ha?

The last movie Marian and I saw was –

No!, I interject. Don’t tell us. Was it Apocalypse Now? Or perhaps Blade Runner? Maybe it was Betty Blue? No, the Killing Fields!

Tom’s monologue continues uninterrupted.

. . . the last movie Marian and I saw was –

What???? we all scream

was

fucking what????

was Crocodile Dundee.


A terrible gloom descends over the whole pub.

Eventually, someone speaks.

After 21 years, the last movie you saw was fucking Crocodile Dundee?

Tom adjusts his waistcoat.

Come on Marian. I have to check if you arranged the bean tins properly in the larder.

Categories
Music

Death Metal Teenagers

Did I mention that the Bullet got an electric guitar? And that his cousin, Blackbeard, got another?

Yeah. I thought it was a great idea. I cleared out a big room where they could practise, and they set up their amps in there, nice and cosy. Then another fucker arrived with a bass and a stack of speakers bigger than Bon Jovi, and after that another bollix appeared with a kit of drums the size of an industrial kitchen.

They’re in there now, trying to play something by Pantera. Well, actually playing the same riff over and over at a million giga-potrzebies of power.

It’s lucky all my neighbours moved out years ago because of the smell.

Categories
Sport

Scunts

With all the euphoria about the Leicester match, I forgot to bring you up to date on Scunthorpe United. The Scunts defeated Bradford 1-0 with a 79th-minute goal from the great Billy Sharp. The Scunts now lie in fourth position, but with a deeply-impressive 10-goal difference.

Wrinkly Joe is organising a trip to Scunthorpe for Wrinkly Paddy and myself and I’ll keep you informed of our adventures. Oh happy days.

Categories
Construction

The Opera Centre

A truly stupid name. It isn’t an opera centre – it’s a shopping centre.

What a crowd of gobshites!

Categories
Media

Pat Kenny Shot

And to other news. In a surprise development , the well-known radio presenter Pat Kenny was last night shot in Limerick’s notorious Moyross estate.

In town to patronise the locals on his Radio 1 morning show from Moyross Community Centre, Kenny ignored the advice of community representatives and went walkabout after dark in the estate renowned worldwide for its violence. It’s understood that a group of youths wearing hoodies approached the presenter as he bought a packet of instant mash from the local shop, and accused him of being a lackey of the capitalist / imperialist conspiracy to oppress the working classes. They then shot him.

Praising the development, Miniature for The Fence, Willie O’Dea issued a statement in which he said

It’s it’s it’s it’s it’s it’s it’s it’s it’s only a only a a a a a matther of time before before before dis kinda ting biles over an you you you you get a a a a reaction. Afther all, dis bollix Kenny is goin all over the fukken country talkin down to to to to to de ordnery people and sooner or lather some fucker was goin to shoot the fucker. Like.

Meanwhile, Pat Kenny, speaking from his hospital bed, laughed off the whole incident.

I was a bit surprised to be shot twice in the head, he remarked, but I’d say it was all just bravado.

Categories
Health

How to Stop Smoking

Allen Carr has made a fortune writing books and running seminars for people who want to stop smoking. I bet everyone who smokes has at least one copy of his book.

Well, being the generous sort of guy that I am, I thought it would be a nice gesture to let people in on the secret to stopping smoking. This method has a 100% success rate. Would you like to know how to stop smoking? All right then. Here’s the secret. Don’t smoke.

That’s the secret. Don’t go into the shop to buy cigarettes, don’t put any in your mouth, and don’t light them. Before you know it, you’ll be a non-smoker.

Categories
Crime

Young people at risk

Quoted from the Newswire:

The House of Sheila Murray, mother of the two Limerick children burned in an arson attack last month has come under attack overnight.

The mother along with six of her kids were forced to flee their Pineview Gardens house around 1am when the windows of the house were smashed in by rocks and bricks.Their car was also smashed in the attack by a group of men.

Councilor John Ryan spoke on local radio earlier this morning saying how he received a phone call from the terrified mother.,

“Last night I got a phone call from Sheila Murray to say that she couldnââ€â„¢t stay in her house, it was under siege. There was rocks being thrown at it and the window of the car was broken. They tried to push in the doorâ”

He also condemned the attack and said it was appalling. Gardai at Mayorstone are investigating the incident.

Wonderful.

Social workers later said that the attackers, who were forced into their actions by lack of educational opportunity and low self-esteem, needed urgent support to help them grow as valuable human beings.

Categories
Humour

Smuggler’s Blues

RTE news had a report tonight about that guy who was charged with smuggling heroin in a private jet.

Opposing bail, police told the court that, as the man had a pilot’s licence, he was considered what?

Go on – guess.

All right, then. I’ll tell you. He’s a flight risk.

Ah come on! You just couldn’t make it up, could you?

Categories
Sport

Scunts

I find this very strange. I find it strange to be all the time reporting good news about Scunthorpe United, but that’s how it seems to be at the moment. Good news all the way.

Scunny met Doncaster today, and duly disposed of them. Two goals, the first by the incomparable Billy Sharp and the second, as usual, by our own Andy Keogh, were enough to dispatch the visitors and elevate Scunthorpe to seventh place in the league. That’s not bad, you know.

Watch out for Andy Keogh. I’m telling you now, he could be a big part of future Irish international squads. A goal scorer – imagine that!

Incidentally, as a matter of begrudgery, I should just remind you that Doncaster is the club owned by megazillionaire Denis O’Brien, formerly of ESAT, and currently in tax exile.

Ha!

Go, Scunny!

Categories
Sport

Scunts

The bums are on the tv on Wednesday evening. They’re playing Aston Villa in the Silly Cup. Tune in if you’re doing nothing else.

They’ll get hammered of course, but I’ll report back here anyway, just in case you happen to miss the result. Unlikely, I know.