Crime Humour

Knicker nicker nicked

I see that horrible old miser George Redmond has been busted for stealing underwear. I don’t know if he was caught smuggling a suitcase full of used g-strings into the Isle of Man or if he was simply seen clambering over his neighbours’ fences and whipping their big navy-blue bloomers and grey y-fronts off the washing line. Whatever. It put me in mind of a song by Madness from one of their early albums.

In the Middle of the Night

Nice man George, newsagent on the corner
Not very rich, but never any poorer
Jaunty old George, a happy sixty-three
Not very tall, but healthier than me
He whistles timeless tunes as he saunters down the street
Springs in his legs and elastic in his feet

But in the middle of the night, he steals through your garden
Gives your hosiery a fright and doesn’t say pardon
As soft as a breeze with an arm full of underwear
On his hands and knees, dreams about the knicker scare

Hello there George, newsagent on the corner
How’s the old car, yes the climate’s getting warmer
Chatty old George as you get your morning paper
Read about the knicker thief, underwear taker
Bids you ‘Good day’, as you wander out the door
Never closes early, always cleans the floor

But when darkness hits the town and there’s washing on your line
Get your knickers down, before the dreaded sign
When the clock strikes eight and you’re snuggled up in bed
He’ll be at the garden gate, filling underwear with dread

Nice man George, newsagent on the corner
He was closed today, maybe gone to mow the lawn
I had to go further down the road to get me currant bun
Hello, isn’t that George on page one ?
No it couldn’t be, but yes it is
Difficult to see from these photofits

But they are after him, of that you can be sure
They’ve called him on the phone, they’ve knocked on his door
a-But he’s gone away, gone to stay with some mates
He got the papers early and saw his own face