Categories
Soccer Sport

Scunts

It’s been a while since I updated you on Scunthorpe United.

Did you know they got promoted?

Well, they did. Now they’re in the Championship, which is the old Second Division. So there!

They reside in the same territory as West Brom, Watford Elton John, and Wolves. Astounding. Did we ever think we’d see it?

Voices off: Eh, well no, actually.

Fuck off, Voices Off. Scunny made it. They’re here and they’re going nowhere else.

Unfortunately, they seem to be back to their old ways, and today they lost 3-1 to Elton John United, placing themselves in their usual slot at mid table. Number 11 out of 24.

Ah shit, it’s what they’re used to. Why complain?

Time to call Wrinkly Joe and see when we’re heading over to England for a Scunthorpe United game. Happy days.

———————-

Categories
Sport

Chelsea beat Manchester United

Did you watch that? The FA Cup, no less. Between the two greatest teams in England. Chelsea and Manchester United. No less.

The very best.

Wasn’t that the greatest load of horse-shit you ever had to sit through? I fell asleep 120 times during the match. In fact, it got so bad that in the end I had to rig up an extremely painful and highly dangerous automatic electric-shock waking device. And I still fell asleep.

What a load of shite.

I hope tomorrow’s Heineken Cup final isn’t as boring , but of course, you already know the answer to that: it won’t be.

It’s rugby!.

Categories
Sport

Scunts

Just to bring you up to date on the Scunthorpe United situation.

Scunthorpe are now 9 points (that’s right: nine) clear of their nearest rivals at the top of the table. Nine points – what the hell?

Oh, there’s going to be a lot of sleepless nights, let me tell you. Many a bare midnight spent pacing the creaky floor with nightcap and sconce.

Oh yes indeed.

Categories
Sport

Scunts

After a powerful 2-0 win against Swansea, Scunthorpe United charge into a six-point lead over their nearest rival, Oldham.

This is great news for Scunthorpe and for all right-thinking people everywhere.

Go Scunny! The Championship beckons.

kick it on kick.ie

Categories
Sport

Scunthorpe United

The Scunts are now top of the table.

After the weekend’s results, Scunthorpe United are now on 49 points and Oldham are just behind them on 48, but with a much better goal difference. Forest are also on 48. It looks like the game between Scunthorpe and Oldham on the 13th January will be a big day. I’ll have to watch out for that, and of course I’ll keep you informed.

We’ve decided to go to the Rotherham game on the 17th February. Wrinkly Paddy, Wrinkly Joe and myself have a window available, so we’ll probably instruct our private jet to take us there and fly us back. The BockIndustrie Gmbh corporate aircraft. I can spare it as none of my executives are scheduled to be at crucial meetings that weekend.

Categories
Soccer

Happy Christmas Scunthorpe United

Now, fair play to the Scunts for making a liar out of me. Last week I was taking the piss out of them for their disgraceful defeat at the hands of Blackpool but then, on Friday, they travelled to London and beat Millwall 1-0 with a late goal from Torpey. Helped by some unlikely results the following day, the Scunts are back in second place and only two points behind the league leaders, Notts Forest.

Amazing. Well done, Scunts!

It isn’t beyond human imagination that they could top the table on the 26th. If they beat Chesterfield, and if Forest just draw with Port Vale, the Scunts go to the top of the table on goals difference. Go, Port Vale!!

kick it on kick.ie

Categories
Sport

Scunts

Jesus, you know I have to admit, the bums put it up to Villa tonight. But for a flukey penalty, Villa wouldn’t have gone home with a result. And our boys had a couple of close shaves, sliding shots an inch wide of the post and forcing one or two desperate saves. Well done, Billy the Fish, for a cracking goal. What a pity Andy Keogh’s effort didn’t quite find the bullseye, but still, a creditable performance for a crowd of bums.

Well done, the bums!

Categories
Sport

Scunts

The bums were at home to Cheltenham, and heading for another miserable nil-all draw, when our own Andy Keogh popped up in the 90th minute to bang in the winner.

Up to 14th place.

Categories
Sport

Scunts

Scunthorpe United beat Port Vale 3-0, hoisting themselves up to 17th place in the table.

As usual, the great Billy Sharp banged in a couple of goals, and to be honest with you I have no idea why this guy is still with a crowd of bums like Scunthorpe. Billy is a class act. Why hasn’t some top club bought him? Andy Keogh is also fairly tasty but nobody has bought him either.

Great news for me, Wrinkly Joe and Wrinkly Paddy, but not such good news for Billy and Andy.

Categories
Sport

Scunts

Scunthorpe United are now second last. If the last team in the league, Rotherham, hadn’t started with a ten-point penalty, Scunthorpe would be at the very bottom of the table. The Universe is restored to its rightful transit.