Bóthar. A truly wonderful charity

Bóthar is a charity in Limerick that sends farm animals to Africa. The animals are donated by Irish farmers, who give them freely as a way to help their less fortunate confreres in Africa. It started with heifers, but now they send goats too. As I understand it, the idea is that when the heifer or goat has a calf / kid, the recipient family have to pass the offspring on to another family and so on and so on. Marvellous.

No, really: it’s all marvellous, and there can be no doubt whatever that the people who receive the animals benefit in a very tangible way from the scheme.

They do. They certainly do. And the Irish farmers, quite rightly, feel good about what they have done. And so they should. Good old Bóthar.

Why are the African farmers starving? Sorry? Was that Bóthar interjecting there? No. It wasn’t.

Did Bóthar say, but obviously, Bock, it was because the European Union was paying our farmers a huge pile of fucking money to grow cows and grain that nobody wants?

Ah, no.

Well then, did it say we dumped that produce on Africa for pennies, destroying the local market, and ruining the livelihoods of local farmers over there?

Ehh, no Ted.

Well, what about the Americans, then? Our Allies? Y’know? Was there anything about how the American cotton-farmers couldn’t make money and so the American Gubmint gave them a huge heap of cash so they could send their produce to Africa far cheaper than any African farmer could make it? Killing the local industry?

Eh, no, Ted.

Well then, surely they want to do something about hunger? That’s right, so Monsanto goes in and sells the seeds to the locals, genetically modified and copyright, so that, every year they have to pay Monsanto a huge pile of money to plant their crop again. Not like in the old days when they could just scatter seed on the land. Not any more: that’s progress. That’s the American way, and the European way too.

What did we really do? Would you like to know? All right then.

We said, Lads, the poor niggers are starving.

And the Irish farmer, in his genuine compassion, said, No problem, we’ll send them a goat.

Favourites Politics World

American soldier jailed for Iraq murder

I see that an American soldier has been jailed in connection with the murder of three Iraqi civilians.

According to the Lancet, the prestigious British medical journal, 655,000 Iraqis have been killed since the American invasion in 2003. About 3,000 Americans have also been killed.

Do you see anyone going to jail for that?

Politics Religion World

Idiots, religious lunatics and the war on terror

Did you see the recent incident where American Airlines dragged some poor guy off a flight because he had dark skin? And two Israeli guys off the same flight for having “heavy accents”? Jesus. What next? I thought he might be about to grow a beard, so I shot him. You can’t beat the Yanks when it comes to putting fools in charge of security.

At the same time, though, we do need some protection from nutcases. I see that some people in Britain are getting upset about the idea of passenger profiling at airports. What’s passenger profiling? Well, it’s not something you’d need a genius on the payroll to figure out. Indeed not. What it means is that they’re going to pick out some passengers for deeper questioning, and they’re going to select them on various grounds, including their appearance. I saw a guy on television complaining that it would be discriminatory to pick on young Asian men. Yeah? Your point being? Apart from young Asian men, who else is threatening to launch Holy War on the decadent West? Of course: old Asian men. But the old guys don’t go out and fight, do they? No: they’re too busy growing beards and learning French. So, you would imagine it would make sense to stop some young Asian men, wouldn’t you? Not according to the equality fascists.

There you are at the airport, and you’re in charge of deciding who should be questioned. You aren’t an American security-woman with an enormous arse. You actually have a brain and you can’t stop everyone, so you have to pick the most likely candidates. What do you tell your minions?

Don’t stop any Asians for fucksake. Look, there! See that fuckin Eskimo? He’s probably carrying concealed whale-blubber. Grab him before he detonates it! And while you’re at it, I want you to grab those two old nuns, that tribe of Apaches and pick up any loose rabbis you notice wandering around.

That’s going to keep our skies safe, I’m telling you.

Where are we going with this equality shit? The PC people are making all the decisions, and now you can’t identify anything at all about anybody. There’s a horrendous multiple murder in a crowded supermarket. A giant 400-pound one-legged Samoan man goes crazy with a chainsaw and chops a family in half. There are two hundred witnesses. What can the TV news say about it?

A family were dismembered today by a giant –

NO NO NO, you can’t say giant – that’s sizeist!

OK. A family were dismembered today by a fat –

NO NO NO not fat, you can’t say fat.

Right. A family were dismembered today by a Samoan

NO NO NO NO NO, that’s racist and you can’t say it.

Right. A family were dismembered today by a one-legged –

NO NO NO NO NO. We have issues around disability.

Ah, let’s see then. A family were dismembered today by a man –

NO NO NO NO NO!!! Sexism!!

OK. Here we go. A family were dismembered today. Police are looking for someone.

That’s where we’re going, you know.

Meanwhile, the incredibly active intellects in the British security services have come up with a surefire way to keep us safe. As long as your hand luggage is the size of a carrier for a laptop PC, you can bring it on the plane, but not if it’s any bigger.

Oh Jesus, there’s a guy with a slightly-bigger-than-permitted bag!!! Christ Almighty, we’re finished!! Sir, step away from the slightly-bigger-than-permitted bag and place your hands above your head.

I’m starting to feel safer by the minute, especially as they’ve now figured out what the deadly dangerous things are that these new terrorists are bringing on board planes. Toothpaste. 7-Up. There was a guy on the radio recently who had a small Spanish pocket dictionary confiscated at Heathrow. They told him they’d take it away and destroy it. (In case it contained anything inflammatory, no doubt). I suppose he’d have been ok with a French or German dictionary, but not Spanish. No indeed. Not Spanish. That’s the worst kind. They even have highly literate sniffer dogs at the airports now, fluent in eight European languages and with a passable knowledge of Mandarin and Arabic. The only problem is, the airport authorities refuse to let the dogs light up their pipes or wear dinner jackets.

Now, as you know, I wouldn’t exactly be the world’s greatest admirer of Monkey Boy, and I thought his comments about “Islamic fascists” were especially rich. This is particularly stupid coming from a guy whose supporters think Jesus will cure AIDS, and not only stupid, but dangerous. Still, though, in spite of Monkey-Boy, you’d have to admit there’s a lot of strange ideas among the Muslims. I mean, for instance, I thought Islam was a religion, not a race, not a nationality. So why does everybody in the West take a middle-Eastern name when they convert to Islam?

Oh, howya, Murty? How’s things?

I am no longer Murty. Call me Youssef Islam Jihad al-Jawhalrlarlarwllalrwlrawrawl!!

Oh right. Fair enough.

What would be wrong with a Muslim called Brad Flintlock? Or Festy McMonagle? Do they not realise we’re actually not in a fucking desert? Do they think it’s a disguise so nobody will notice they have a big mad freckly boiled Irish head? Ah for fucksake, let me alone.

And don’t get me started on the Jews, who seem to be just as obsessed with their diet. Do they not also realise that we’re not in a desert? That we have fridges now and the meat won’t go off? So you could actually kill a pig if you wanted and it would be ok, it wouldn’t rot or anything. That we have running water and bathrooms and modern medicine so you no longer have to cut off the top of your dick to stay healthy?

Now that I’m on a roll, do you remember that story of the Gadarene swine, about how Jesus drove a gang of evil spirits out of some poor possessed fucker and into a herd of pigs, who promptly charged straight off the edge of a cliff? The pigs killed themselves, or the evil spirits did: I’m not sure which. Well, this happened (I think) in a place populated exclusively by Jews. There were no Muslims in those days, nor Christians, or only a few, which leads me to the inexorable conclusion that the people keeping the pigs were Jews. What changed? Oy vey! They should keep pigs in such a place, already? I can’t imagine business being great.

But again, as I’m on a roll, I think I see the way forward for Islamic suicide bombers. I doubt if they’ll get past the sniffer dogs with Korans or tubes of exploding toothpaste. Therefore, what I think they should do is simply bring a possessed person onto the plane. Then, when they’re over their target, an Islamic suicide exorcist can hop out of his seat and drive the evil spirits straight into the cockpit, repossessing the pilots and Bingo! Youssef’s your uncle!


Pope offends Muslims

Imagine being a dead Muslim

Suicide bombers 

Muhammad MacGyver

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The savage-stupid gene

I don’t watch the Big Brother show, but it would be impossible to miss the controversy that’s going on at the moment over the behaviour of some participants. India is outraged at some comments which seem to be racist, though I didn’t hear them myself. People are burning effigies on the street. (By the way, what is it with India and effigies? I wonder if I opened a chain of effigy shops across India and Pakistan, would they be a success? I’d say they’d make a fortune for me).

I have to confess, to my embarrassment, I never heard of Shilpa Shetty until this evening. Shame on me. But even further shame on me for knowing who Jade Goody is.

There couldn’t be a greater contrast between two human beings. Shilpa is beautiful, gracious,well-mannered and educated. Jade is a fat, ignorant, foul-mouthed, illiterate thug.

The Big Brother organisation has brought the two together on one unreality tv show, and both are showing their true colours. Shilpa is reasonable, patient, conciliatory and courteous. Jade is loud, aggressive and stupid. Unfortunately, it seems that Jade and two other shaved apes have been doing their best to make Shilpa’s life miserable, and you can only presume it’s because, when they look at Shilpa, they see everything they themselves are not.

I’m getting very tired of this glorification of the underclass, I really am. Who? No, I’m not talking about the poor people. I’m referring to the know-nothing fools who shout their way through our day-to-day lives, spitting chewing gum on the footpaths, writing their stupid names on bus seats – Beyoncé luvs Wayne – leaving their beer tins in our doorways and their rubbish bags full of frozen-dinner-wrappers in our streets after dark for somebody else to take away because they’re too fucking lazy or too fucking stingy to pay or too fucking stupid. The gobshites in little Toyota fucking Starlets with a gigantic boom-box I can hear four blocks away, and an even bigger fucking exhaust pipe I can hear in the next county. That’s what I’m talking about. A bunch of useless empty-headed pricks swaggering around our towns, filthying everything they touch.

Jade Goody is just their representative on tv at the moment, but nevertheless is a good enough picture of what we’re dealing with. The Brits call them chavs, and over there they have it a bit worse than we do at the moment, though that too is changing. I think the reason is simple. In previous centuries, the Brits had a war every twenty years or so, and slaughtered these fuckers by the thousands, but lately two things have happened. They’re having fewer wars and they’ve started insisting that their soldiers should be able to read. This is obviously a disastrous policy, keeping all these stupid chavs out of harm’s way, when really they’ve been bred to walk into a hail of bullets. It’s all they know. As for our own home-grown chavs here in Ireland, I think they’re the descendants of the scum the Brits drafted into their armies in the good old days. I think they’re descended from the scum the Brits placed in garrison towns like Limerick and Cork and Athlone and Dublin. I think they were born with the savage-stupid gene: the ideal combination for the Khyber Pass, but not so great for the streets of your home town.

Anyway, Shilpa needn’t worry. These under-evolved fools are the real losers. In fact, they were born losers.

Politics war World

Did America invade Iran?

Feel free to correct me if I’m wrong about this, but under international law, isn’t an embassy considered to be the soil of the state it represents? I think it is. In fact, I’m certain it is.

And furthermore, weren’t the Americans at pains to point out to us, after the hanging of Saddam, that Iraq is now a sovereign state, free to make its own decisions, which is why the Americans actually had nothing at all to do with whacking Saddam? Yes indeed, I seem to remember them saying such things.

Taking them at their word, this would mean that any embassies within the Iraqi frontiers are a matter for the Iraqis, and until the Iraqis say otherwise, are also foreign soil. Or so you would think anyway, if you listened to the American point of view.

Therefore – and please correct me if I’m wrong about this – by arresting the Iranian diplomats during the week, did the USA not use armed force to enter onto Iranian soil? And is that not, therefore, an invasion? Of course, I’m probably wrong: maybe it was just a surge.

No doubt somebody far smarter than me will come back and clear up my mistake for me.

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Politics war World

Saddam’s Hanging

The Americans are very annoyed at the way Saddam was executed. Most of all, they seem to be upset that some of his guards shouted abuse and threats at him as he stood on the gallows. Threats? What threats could you possibly shout at a man with a rope around his neck – We’ll fuckin kill you?

Anyway, isn’t the hypocrisy simply astounding? They can claim with a straight face that it had nothing to do with them. The Iraqis did it. There’s Bush in his toga gesturing to a slave. Bring me a bowl of water for my hands. I am innocent of this man’s blood.

It’s ridiculous. They don’t like the screaming at the hanging. They didn’t mind the fact that his trial was a set-up and they didn’t mind keeping him prisoner until the Iraqis were ready to hang him, but they sure don’t want no shoutin’ at no hangin’.

Even Saddam himself would find this ludicrous. There you are standing on a scaffold. The rope is already around your neck. Your hands and feet are bound. Any second now, that flap will open and you’ll fall to your death. What are you thinking to yourself?

I hope they don’t shout at me.

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Favourites Politics World

Great Brutal Dictators

Suppose you woke up one morning and discovered you were a brutal dictator. Never mind how it happened – maybe aliens caused it or it was by magic. One day, you were an obscure but diligent Post Office clerk or something, and the next day you’re the brutal dictator of a medium-sized country. Would you do the job to the best of your ability, the same as you used to when you were stamping TV licences? Leave aside the moral qualms, scruples and other side-issues, and just take it as given that you’re in the job and there’s no getting out of it.

I often wondered about myself doing that kind of work, especially when I saw other brutal dictators and how they ran their businesses. Ceaucescu, for instance. A crowd of people gathered outside his palace, shouting rude things up at him, and what did he do? He ran for it, got caught, got shot and was no more. Milosevic, likewise, was toppled by a crowd of people shouting at him. So was Honecker.

I don’t get it. These guys were supposed to be brutal dictators, so why didn’t they dictate brutally? Why didn’t they just shoot half the protesters? That’s what I’d do. I’d brutally dictate. I’d gas them. Why? Because I’m a brutal dictator and it’s my job.

It’s the same with dissidents. You have all these so-called brutal dictators allowing newspapers and television to criticise them. Not on, lads. You can’t do that and expect to stay in the job as a tyrannical despot. You have to crush all opposition and all dissent. It’s part of the job description, simple as that. Look at a great medium-sized dictator: Assad of Syria. Assad was absolutely ruthless, prepared to wipe out entire cities, imprison opponents, crush political dissent. In Assad’s Syria, you just would not think of marching on the streets because he’d send in the tanks and they’d kill you. You knew he meant it. But Assad was clever enough to stay political. He didn’t bother oppressing religious minorities and as long as you kept your mouth shut, he’d probably let you alone. He even passed the final test for membership of the Institute of Great Brutal Dictators by dying of natural causes.

If you want to see truly great brutal dictators, you really have to look at Stalin and Mao, who completely terrorised friend and foe alike for decades, wiped out millions of people and controlled every tiny detail of their vast empires, while at the same time persuading the majority that they personally knew nothing about the mass murders, torture, disappearances and general terror all around them. They died of natural causes, unopposed to the last, and still convinced they were right. Now that’s world-class brutal dictation for you.

Saddam seemed to have all the qualities necessary to be a great brutal dictator. He killed everyone, and even murdered some of his own supporters to keep the rest of them scared. He eradicated criticism in the press. He tolerated no resistance. He crushed all opposition without mercy and he stole billions from the public purse. But what Saddam didn’t realise was that, unlike Stalin and Mao, he was really a puppet brutal dictator, and could be removed as easily as he had been installed. He failed the test by breaking the First Law of Brutal Dictation: choose your enemies. Pol Pot did the same thing by pissing off Vietnam, and the Vietnamese tank divisions promptly rolled over the Khmer Rouge, squashing them, but Saddam’s mistake was even worse.

Saddam made an enemy of his puppeteer, not realising they only needed to cut the strings and in the end that’s what happened. The puppeteers cut Saddam’s strings.

All except one.

Crime Politics Technology World

A disgraceful waste of money

The other most bizarre thing ever has to be the Litvinenko poisoning.


I thought Bock’s people were entitled to the truth and so I did a little bit of research on this polonium-210 stuff, in the interests of accuracy, and for the avoidance of all doubt.


Don’t buy it?

Ah, I don’t blame you. What I actually did was to ask around the pub: c’m’ere, what’s the story with this polonium shit?

This is what I managed to establish.

Polonium is a naturally-occurring metallic element which is radioactive and comes from the breakdown of radium. It can be made by bombarding lead or bismuth with neutrons in a nuclear reactor and it seems to be used mainly as a source of radioactivity in cloud chambers for school labs and that kind of thing. It doesn’t seem to be much use for anything else except killing spies. It’s about 200 times as radioactive as radium, emitting both gamma-radiation which makes the air around it glow blue, and alpha particles, which are Helium atoms without their knobs. These are the things that kill you. They won’t go through your skin, but if you swallow the stuff, the alpha particles make shite of your soft inner organs. This surprises me, as I thought the dangerous stuff was the beta and gamma radiation. Just goes to show. No doubt some smart-ass Brit scientist will submit his views on this shortly.

Anyway, that’s all a load of shite, really. What I found out was that they make this stuff in a huge reactor in Russia, in a closed city. For a full month they toil away, manufacturing their polonium, and then they send the entire output to the USA. All of it. Every single scrap.

How much do you think this polonium-producing closed Russian nuclear-reactoring city produces in a month and sends to the Yanks? Go on. Guess.

A ton? No!

Five tons? No!

A pound? No!

A kilo? No!

All right then, I’ll tell you.

Eight grammes. A quarter of a fucking ounce. That’s what this polonium-producing closed Russian nuclear-reactoring city produces in a month and sends to the Yanks.

It costs a fucking fortune, and how much of the stuff do you think the gobshites used to kill poor Litvinenko? Forty million dollars worth. That’s how much. Enough money to kill half of the Third World if it was used wisely. Imagine how many villages you could wipe out with forty million dollars. Imagine how much of Offaly could be obliterated with such resources, and the incompetent KGB use it to whack one small former agent.

I know the idea of using it. You have enough time to escape before the guy dies. I know. It makes sense. But even one million dollars would buy a whole tribe of suicide bombers to take him out, and you could be happily on your plane back to Vladivostok a week before they fragged him. And then you have the remaining $39 million to kill people in the Third World. It just makes no sense!

I’d like to know about the Sushi bar. Here you have Litvinenko, a spy, and Scaramella, a nuclear physicist. When their fugo-fish arrived, did it strike them as the slightest bit strange that the waiter was wearing a full-length lead suit with a four-inch-thick glass visor, and reached them their plates at the end of a twelve-foot pair of tongs:

Eat glowing bit feerst – is good for you!

Since we all know the KGB are watching old James Bond movies, did it not occur to them to hire a gigantic Japanese butler to kill the guy with a bowler hat?


PS. The other way you can get this stuff inside you is by smoking tobacco.


Love Story in Four Pictures

I just had to bring you this set that Jimmy the Wop sent.

A love story in four pictures.

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Health World

Save the Planet:. Spread AIDS

Why are people trying to stamp out disease and famine?

The world is full of people who have more children than they can look after, who won’t use contraception and who never consider the consequences of having huge families. What’s going to happen if we succeed in stamping out disease? More famine, that’s what. Who’s going to feed all these people if they don’t die of AIDS and typhoid and malaria and yellow fever and all the rest of it? Nobody, that’s who. On the other hand, let’s say you stamp out famine. Then what’s going to happen? You’ll have billions of fuckers rubbing up against each other, starting wars and spreading plagues, coughing and spitting on each other. Setting fire to rain forests and filling the planet with IKEA stores and AA Roadwatch accents. Imagine millions of ex-UCD posers saying rain debate and mispronouncing bruschetta, loudly. Sorry – laidly.

Billions of them. Look at what happened to England. For centuries, they had a vicious colonial war every generation or so. For this purpose they bred a brutish and violent underclass, which they then inducted into the imperial armies, ultimately destined to die horribly at Verdun or on the Khyber Pass. They were fucking savage, and they were meant to be so, because they were the very men you wanted at your back if you were facing an army of angry Pashtuns in the Afghan highlands. They sent them here too, and set up garrisons in towns like Limerick and Athlone and Clonmel, and a hundred others. They bred, and their savage genes went into the pool, creating the violent underclass we have in all the Irish former garrison towns. So where is England now? Well, they became selective about who they accepted for slaughter. Nowadays, you need to be able to read and write if you’re going to die on the Khyber Pass, or in the South Atlantic on a flammable warship, or in Basra. The same aggressive, violent men who would have been dragooned in former years are now rejected and, unable to die in glorious battle, have become chavs! With stupid aggressive chav kids. And so the cycle continues unbroken.

Hey listen: don’t blame me. I didn’t breed them in the first place. It was the British Empire, OK? I’m just saying what happened.

So, you you send out battalions of high-powered doctors to prevent illness, and eventually you’ll have billions of eighty-year-olds having wars and plagues and coughing their lungs up on top of each other. Why? What’s the point of saving lives when everybody is going to die in the end anyway? What’s the point of prolonging a miserable life? Look, here we have a planet that’s already dying because humans have spread like a virus and are killing it. So what do we do? We postpone the death of everybody on the planet, thereby guaranteeing that the whole planet chokes quicker from the infection that is us.

We are the problem, and if Al Gore had any sense he’d be organising death-squads instead of making movies. It would have the spin-off benefit that Al Gore wouldn’t be making movies.