Gardai Deny Everything

The Morris Tribunal took a further twist today when Garda Joan Gallagher denied ever having done anything. Throughout the questioning, Gda Gallagher addressed the Tribunal in the Garda Dialect.

“I gave my entire fucking life to camogie, you pathetic piece of fucking slime”, insisted Gda Gallagher.” Apart from pucking sliotars, I never done one other thing in my entire life. I don’t even remember joining the fucking Guards, so I don’t. In fact, I never joined the Guards, and any bastard who says I did is a liar and a prick, so they are, right enough. From I was a wee fucking wee’un, all I wanted in my hand was a camán. Aye. That’s right. Fuckin’ right. Aye, surely.”

Pressed on this point by counsel for the Tribunal, Gda Gallagher went on to explain that apart from playing camogie, she had literally never done anything at all.

Counsel: “Did you go to school?”

Gda Gallagher: “No! You lying fucking bastard!”

Counsel: “Did you ever push a sheep off a cliff?”

Gda Galagher: “Certainly not, you miserable lying fucker!! We’ll take your children away!”

Counsel: “As a child, did you play with your friends?”

Gda Gallagher: “I played camogie, on my own. Stand up, you fucker. Do you want a thick fuckin’ lip?”

Counsel: “Did you have a social life? Boyfriends, perhaps?”

Gda Gallagher: “I wanted no boyfriend. I had my camán in my hand and that’s all I needed, you snivelling little prick.”

Counsel: “But surely, when you applied to join the Gardai . . .”

Gda Gallagher: “I deny that, you wanker! I deny every fucking thing you’re suggesting. That man was drunk and aggressive and he assaulted eleven gardai on the bus. I saw him do it and we all swore to it in court – Oh, sorry, you wee arsehole, what was the question again?”


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