My gift to loyalism

Watch carefully now. This is what the loyalist politician of the future – or even the decent loyalist in the street – will be using for all his daily requirements. I’ve designed a handy electronic gadget that acts as an auto-prompter for heckling political opponents, and contains seven hundred different ways to say NO! At the push of a button, it will play the complete works of Wild Willie McCrae, say for example at a tea-party, or in a Shankill drinking club. It can also hold the entire body of speeches by the Rev Ian Paisley since the day he was born, which I think could be very useful for terrifying their opponents during a game of darts. It contains a complete Ulster-Scots dictionary and a simulated Lambeg Drum sound which can be very useful when parading through somebody’s housing estate when you don’t want anybody to know. The patterns for several thousand tattoos are stored inside it and a tiny laser can engrave any pattern on any part of your body in seconds. Additional patterns can be downloaded from the website.

For ease of use, it will be shaped like a bowler hat with the headphones discreetly hidden in the brim.

This I’m certain is the future of loyalism: welcome the iProd!

16 thoughts on “My gift to loyalism

  1. I wet meself hooting, ye sectarian renegade! Try selling a few prototypes outside Villiers.

  2. I want one but the only answer I can give is NO! I have something to give to all my Irish Blogging fiends er friends, half a brick with yer name inscribed on it, coming soon through a window near you July.

  3. A stout, manly clap on the back for such a deliciously mirthful invention. Perhaps a range of accessories is in order – the Swiss Army Sash maybe.

  4. conan: Jesus, do you want to get me arrested? Anyway, it’s ok. I cleared it with a number of my Prod friends, and they’ll sell them for me.

    knudsen:what a good idea. A loyalist mobile phone that can can also be flung through a window. I’ll get our technicians wortking on it

    swearing person: that’s women for you – always moaning

    kav: it’s a nice hat, isn’t it. Mr Zucchini, who does all my illustrations, took it from his manservant, Odd-Job.

    mr trousers: all suggestions along those lines will be considered. Perhaps a range of loyalist accessories would be a good move. Keep in touch about that.

  5. At last! Now I can march with the boys from God’s Own Country while spewing vile nigoted hatred for Catholicism!


    Despite the fact I am a Catholic …

  6. I was about to ask what the fuck is going on, no Bock posts for two days, but spotted your meditation warning in the nick of time. Relaxed are you?

  7. I can’t understand a word they say. It’s all “noy, noy, nerrna, noy” as far as I’m concerned. Why don’t they ever say “top of the morning ta ya” like the people in the South? I like that.

  8. dario: good man. Keep up the savage work.

    kav: No. I’m far from relaxed. Raging bile-filled rant coming up shortly.

    Mr Bananas: Faith and begorrah, sure I don’t know that at all at all.

  9. Add a paint-spray stencil with the word “Poles out!” and swastika, for the instantly spraying on the doors of the houses inhabited by bloody Poles.

    A solid fuel (like for the stove) and the lighter could be a good addition for instantly setting the fire :)

    Is the Ulster Scot is a bit similar to the Scottish lingo? After spending a years in Scotland my English is rather Scottish ;)

  10. Good suggestions Mackoser.

    If it’s any consolation to you, some of these guys would like to burn the Irish out too.

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