Munster Football Final – Limerick Salvage Vital Last-Minute Defeat

Limerick footballers once more bravely defend their 113-year-old tradition of losing the Munster final.

LIMERICK’S gallant Gaelic footballers maintained a level of consistency rarely seen in the top echelons of sport on Sunday last when they held their nerve to lose the Munster final to Cork at Páirc Uí Chaoimh.

With just minutes remaining, Lims stood firm in the face of stiff opposition to preserve an historic losing sequence spanning three fucking centuries.

The final score read 2-6 to 0-11 in favour of Cork, the Leesiders emerging victorious by a solitary point.

Before last Sunday’s encounter Limerick had last won a Munster title 113 years ago in 1896, the year F Scott Fitzgerald was born.

According to unconfirmed reports, Fitzgerald, who passed away in 1940, enquired with his dying breath: “Have Limerick won a Munster football title yet?”

His doctor, not wishing to send the Great Gatsby author on his journey into eternity on a negative note replied, “No.”

Meantime, no one knows who the Limerick captain was in 1896. But as he accepted the trophy we imagine he must have claimed that his side’s win over Waterford would usher in a period of provincial dominance for the Shannonsiders.

Er, am, not quite, because the failure rate has now embraced two world wars, Henry Ford’s mass production of the automobile, the Titanic hitting an iceberg,the 1916 Rising,the Bolshevik Revolution, the establishment of the Irish Free State, Al Capone, Mao, Joe Stalin, Pol Pot, Elvis Presley’s appearance on the Grand Ole Opry, only to be told, “you ain’t got no future as singer son, best go back to driving a truck,” Bob Dylan, Hendrix burning his guitar on the stage at Woodstock, the Rolling Stones, JFK, the moon landing, Muhammad Ali, the Iron Curtain, Papa Doc, Margaret Thatcher (Mama Doc), Punk Rock, the fall of the Berlin Wall, the internet, and last, but not least, the closure of Daffys.

But in fairness to the boys in green maybe deep down in their psyche they needed to maintain this horrendous catalogue of failure last weekend.

Face it: anyone can win a Munster title. But to fail to win a provincial crown since around the time Oliver Cromwell was a teenager, that’s the stuff of legend.

And maybe in those final frenetic moments as they swarmed around the Cork goal last Sunday our boys felt the obtuse hand of history – reaching across eleven decades – resting on their broad shoulders.

And they might have said to themselves: “Hey, why ruin a good thing here, lets keep this run going for another 113 years – and beyond.”

And so it came to pass that in the year of our Lord, 2146 – the 250th anniversary of Limerick’s failure to win a Munster football title – that a Limerick man is having a pint of the black stuff, still a popular drink amongst the new age colonists on the planet Jupiter, in his local.

He picks up the paper and notices that the Shannonsiders have extended their losing sequence to a quarter of a millennium, after being edged out by Cork, once again with a razor-thin margin.

“Phew,” he says to his drinking buddy, a four eyed, green headed Martian.”That was a close one. They nearly fucked up good and proper and won the damn thing there.”

“That’s some run alright,” nods the Martian, “go on ye good things.”


Meantime, here in Limerick City we tend to look on Gaelic football as some sort of alien war-dance.

Here are my suggestions to improve our indigenous lark.

1): Reduce the number of outfield players to ten

2): Only the goalkeeper can handle the ball

3): You get nothing for ballooning the ball over the bar and have to hit the net to score

4): Introduce a penalty area around the goals

5): Shorten the length and width of the pitch

6): Introduce an offside law

7): Each half last 45 minutes with extra time and penalty shoot outs (from 12 yards – not 14) if needed

8): The umpires behind the goals, the ones with long white coats, like deranged rural psychiatrists, are run out of the ground

9): Players and fans are not allowed to dribble out of both sides of their mouths during pre and post match TV interviews

10): Tipp fans are not allowed to have picnics out of the boots of their cars outside grounds and Down fans can’t wear hats saying: “Up Down.”

Now we have a game.

11 thoughts on “Munster Football Final – Limerick Salvage Vital Last-Minute Defeat

  1. The bog ball’s hardly a gaelic sport in the true sense is it now Bock?More of a rebellious answer to foreign occupation in my view.The Brits said you can’t go picking that ball up there Paddy….the Kerryman said different!

  2. I remember playing Gaelic football under the guidance of the brothers. If you left the ball on the ground too much you were, by definition, playing soccer, that foreign game. Hence, you got a good hiding. Great men those brothers.

  3. Well, you know what I think of bog-ball, but if you have a look, you’ll see that somebody else wrote this post, not me. However, while we’re on the subject, rugby was played in Kerry long before Gaelic football was devised, and many of Kerry’s Gaelic football clubs were originally rugby clubs.

  4. Fuck Queen victoria was still with us (god rest her). up until the gaa was founded the biggest sport was cricket, a lot of clubs changed over in the 1880’s

  5. Fair play to the lads for snatching defeat out of the jaws of victory but we have to admit that at least the footballers actually got to the Munster final unlike the hurling team.
    It’s like the abused child who told social workers thet he wanted to be sent to Limerick because he heard that Limerick would beat no-one.

  6. Seconds out, you know when your mother told you NOT to hang out what that crowd, those undesirables, that glitzy gang with their hard walks and handier chat. Yeah, that crowd. Well, what would your mother say now? And I suppose Limerick should only play your new football in the market’s field too, and be sponsored by a late night chicken franchise and have Fitzy in goals . Oh I can see what you’re at and it’s that Bock fella’s fault.

    Excellent stuff btw.

  7. Sniffle – Do you remember Fitzy playing at Thomond Park v Spurs in a friendly all those years back. Spurs won 6-2 if memory serves. Fitzy kicked out the ball, turned his back on the play and strolled leisurely like back toward his goal. And there was the same ball nestling in the back of his net. How was this. Was Yuri Geller in the crowd? Nope. Glen Hoddle had controlled same on his chest and lobbed it back into the goal from 40 yards. We didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.
    As regards the other issue, your right, t’was Bock that put me up to it.

  8. They lost again tonight, beaten by Meath in an All Ireland muck savages last 16 decider. 1896 was also the last time they won an All Ireland – Guinness book of records material all round.

  9. Great site. Lots of helpful info here. I’m sending it to a few buddies ans also sharing in delicious. And naturally, thank you on your effort!

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