In a week when Science and Religion are each other’s throats – and that’s just in here – it gladdens the heart to see that both sides of the eternal divide are joining forces to form a new religion in Copenhagen this week.
Come genuflect at the Church of the Leaky Aerosol Can and Global Warming brethren.
Join thousands of devotees as they converge in the Danish capital to tell us, the great unwashed, that if we flush the toilet twice a day man eating sharks will-be patrolling the shores of Ballybunion and well-endowed baboons will have taken over our attics, dangling from the rafters fondling their scrotums.
Polar bears, reported to be on the brink of extinction a few year’s back but who are now breeding like flies, will be rooting through our bins and anacondas will be slithering through our back gardens snaffling our tom cats as they lie in the sunlight recovering from their nocturnal philandering on our window sills.
The planet is doomed folks and as it’s all because you’re leaving the fridge door open.
If you don’t believe me take a gander at this from the New York Times on December 12.
“Soviet scientists on board an icebreaker drifting just 300 miles from the North Pole have concluded that the world is getting hotter.
Warm-water fish are appearing in increasing numbers in Arctic seas as temperatures have risen, melting the ice caps.
The Russian explorers believe that very soon ships will be able to sail right across the Pole.”
Ooooops sorry. I neglected to mention that the above was published on December 12, 1938
Has any ship sailed across the Pole since?
Meanwhile, up to 200 heads of state and assorted alickadoo’s have converged on Copenhagen and are currently gorging their way through the GNP of a small country.
Change your light bulbs and save the planet they insist, while Charlie is building a coal station every weekend in China.
It would be fair to add that none of the above arrived in Denmark on the back of a solar-powered camel. Incidentally, camels, bad tempered fuckers, spend most of their waking hours farting, thus knocking holes in the ozone.
Down with camels.
[Nothing to do with the ozone layer. You’re thinking of the greehouse effect. – Ed.]
A Committee, and what is a camel only a horse designed by a committee, of global warming evangelists arrived in Copenhagen last Saturday, and insisted on being ferried to the Conference in separate cars, all gas guzzlers – they weren’t modified Ford Fiesta’s.
Above, along with the rest of the devotes jetted into Denmark by plane, probably first class – don’t mention the carbon footprint.
Incidentally, why does BBC footage on global warming always end with a shot of a lonely Polar bear stranded a melting ice float, a bit like Robert Carlyle in that scene in the canal in the Full Monty. I’m convinced it’s the same Polar bear for the last five years. I reckon he should ink a deal with Max Clifford and start claiming royalties.
Our own John Gormley is out there as we speak. John said on RTE d’other day after some heathen tried to nail him that he would be taking the bus from the airport to the conference
Good man John. However, what does the bus run on? Dolphin’s urine?
Down with Gormley.
But hark. Amid all the pomp and ceremony we have apostates in our midst. Unbelievers.
According to reports, computer files and e-mails were hacked in East Anglia University a few weeks back and the content posted briefly on the net. The files were removed off the www.
According to sceptics, the e-mails, written by some of the world’s leading climate scientists, cast doubt on whether human activity causes global warming.
Moreover, other sceptics claim that this global warming lark is a billion-dollar industry and the world’s governments are being defrauded out of trillions – our own shower will probably introduce a carbon tax in the upcoming budget.
The New Church moved quickly to castigated the apostates, demanding like Rome of Galileo that they prove their theory. They have since busied themselves insulting them, calling them flat earthers, etc, etc.
But why are they so afraid of the public seeing the e-mails?
Meanwhile, Obama will arrive in Copenhagen anon, and like Moses descending from Mount Sinai he’ll utter the immortal words; “Hope” and “Change”.
Cue gasps from the audience as they prostrate themselves in front of the chosen one.
Obama reminds me of those days – a million years ago – when the Bishop arrived at our schools to inspect us. The Christian brother, the poor man on the brink of exhaustion after beating us with an oar all morning, would stay at the top of the class, a benign expression on his face as his Lordship inquired as to what we want to be when we gown up.
“Priests”, we should shout back in unison. It was the Jams O’Donnell factor, although one wanted to be a nun or a hairdresser. He was ignored pending consultation with his parents.
The Bishop would slither in and out between the desks as silent as a cat until his beady eyes descended on one wretch of child, who had remained silent.
“And what would you like to be young man,” he would inquire.
“I want to play up front for Man United sir.” He was removed from the class and quite rightly flogged to within an inch of his life.
These days the Bishops don’t do the rounds anymore. These days we have members of the Green Party visiting our schools.
“And what would you like to be when when you grow up children.”?
“Environmentalists. We want to save the planet sir,” they will shout back in unison. although there will always be one little pup that wants to be be a mechanic or a train driver.
Blessed are the children that want to play for United or be mechanics.
So is global warming a new religion? Someone once said that when people stop believing in God, they don’t believe in nothing — they believe in anything.