Barack Obama Must Quit Smoking, Say Doctors

The world doesn’t need a president of the USA going crazy from quitting cigarettes.

Look, Barack (do you mind if I call you that?  It’s just that Mr President seems a bit formal, especially since you’re not my president).

Barack, look, I’ve been reading these things about your doctors telling you to quit smoking, and I have to tell you, as a former smoker myself, that you shouldn’t listen to them.

Doctors do what doctors do, especially when they’re employed at enormous expense to doctor POTUS.

You can’t take them seriously.  They have an agenda, and the agenda is not about you, Barack, so just take a few minutes and listen to me over here.

By the way, would you like a beer?

There ya go.  Light?

See, I’ve been reading this stuff about how much you smoke, and all the reports that say you have eight cigarettes a day.

Eight.

Now look, Barack, don’t kid a kidder.  I was a serious smoker and I know the crap you tell people when you’re trying to fool yourself.

Eight means twenty.

And twenty means forty when things turn rough, like for instance an all-night meeting with the generals about bombing Iran.  Maybe even sixty and a couple of Cuban cigars. (Not that I’ve ever convened a meeting of generals, but you get the idea).

Barack, you’re a smoker.  Don’t tell me you smoke eight cigarettes a day or I’ll have to hit you.

Eight cigarettes a day?  Newborn babies smoke eight cigarettes a day.  What kind of pussy smoker would that make you?  If you’re going to smoke, Barack, smoke like a man, with serious, high-tar, heavy-duty, lung-wrenching torpedoes.

I hear you’re a bit tetchy with reporters when they ask about your smoking habit.

Hey, easy, big boy.  Back off there and grab yourself another beer.

I hear your famous smooooooooth exterior cracks a little when they push you on the baccy issue, and I can understand that.  I used to be the same. Ain’t nobody’s business but my own (and in your case another 300 million Americans but we’ll move on from that rapidly).

I used to be ugly when people tackled me about my smoking, so I can understand your position.  I used to quit, and then I’d sneak one or two, or five, or even eight  – as many as you smoke.  I used to buy small cigars instead, but then I ended up smoking 20 small cigars a day.  Not good.

Barack, here’s the bottom line.

I thought maybe I might just share with you my secret for stopping smoking, in the interests of world peace.  After all, nobody wants an angry ex-smoker with his finger on the big red button.  Right?

Now Barack, here’s where you have to listen really hard.  Just put down that basketball for a moment, if you wouldn’t mind.

See, these doctors are telling you to try harder with the quitting but that’s not going to work unless you want to quit.  It just won’t work, and you’ll be hiding in the dressingroom of the Oval Office sneaking cigarettes, which admittedly is better than other uses of smoking materials witnessed by that room.

Barack, you’ll only quit when you realise that you’re not giving anything up. You’re just stopping.  Just stopping a thing that causes you grief.

You good with that?

OK.  Here’s my one-step plan to being a non-smoker, forever.

Ready?

OK, here it comes.

Bock’s foolproof method of being a non-smoker:

JUST DON’T SMOKE!

Trust me.  It works.

______________

Barack, you’re welcome.

4 thoughts on “Barack Obama Must Quit Smoking, Say Doctors

  1. Actually, Barrack, You needn’t quit at all. Your own Surgeon General in one of his many reports on one of the many studies stated that people who smoke up to ten a day are actually healthier and have a longer lifespan than non-smokers.

    Unfortunately, that report got “accidentally” lost because it was a tad politically incorrect, so you would be doing yourself and the rest of the world a HUGE favour [sorry – favor] if you could get your minions to dig it up?

  2. He’s bad enough without quitting the fags. He should just say he’s quit and smoke away in the background. Sure wasn’t Bill cigars found stuck in all sorts of places in the White House – including Monica.

  3. I like that stopping thing there Herr Bock. Not quitting just stopping.

    Reminds me of that dead good poem, “ Not waving, but drowning “ cept of course, the stopping thing.

    Anyfucking way, why are the “other” authors on this site so anti-Barack ?

    What’s with negative waves Mr Out ?

    Barack is sweet and beautiful and someday soon he and Michelle will adopt me and I too will live in the Whitehouse, and be Barack’s baby and smoke with him in the shed and she’ll cuddle me with her big guns.

    But when you persist with the negativity well, it just wrecks my buzz.

    You were never this way when you played with deportivo la coruna

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