The War on Crime

Solving society’s problems

I’ve been thinking about this war on crime we hear so much about.

It’s not going anywhere, is it?

The war on crime is stuck in the trenches somewhere between Passchendaele and the Somme, with nobody making much progress and it’s about time to break the deadlock.

Instead of fighting crime, I think we should regulate it.

I think we should appoint a Crime Regulator and set standards for criminals.  We should issue licences.

We should set up the Chartered Institute of Crime and set membership grades ranging from Associate to Fellow.  There could be different vocational groups.  Drugs. Theft. Banking.  Fianna Fáil.

The Institute would set its own exams and control membership.  People committing crime without a licence would be subject to intense and severe scrutiny by the Membership  Committee.  Intense, severe and very, very impressive.

How’s this going to work?

Simple: quotas.

Depending on seniority, muggers will be assigned an acceptable number of crimes per month, and there will be a code of practice.  Nobody over 60 or under 15  gets mugged.  Nobody on the dole gets robbed.  No cripples.  No drunks.  Not more than €500 will be taken from any one victim.  A government-sponsored compensation scheme will reimburse the victim.

Any licensed mugger exceeding their monthly quota will be subject to disciplinary procedures by the Chartered Institute of Crime.

The same thing with burglars.  No old people.  No shitting on carpets.  Just take stuff and leave the place tidy.  No more than €1,000.

Licensed drug dealers will have to make sure they sell Good Shit.  Really Good Shit. They will be prohibited from supplying drugs to minors.

Bankers can rob only very rich people who own BMW jeeps or work in financial institutions or both.  And lawyers.

Victims will have the right to complain to the CIC if they feel their rights have been infringed.

How’s this working for you so far?

Random violent street-criminals will be banned completely and subject to the rigours of the CIC’s enforcement department. Kiddy-fiddlers will be shredded on sight since nobody cares anyway.

In return for peaceful streets, violence-free mugging and  control of the drug-dealing problem, the CIC will experience minimal interference from the security forces.

In my opinion, this is the answer.  The war on crime will never work, so let’s reach a consensus.  Let’s decide how much crime we can live with and let’s turn crime into a self-supervising profession with an internationally-recognised regulator to oversee its operations.

Come on.  It can’t be worse than the banks, and it will definitely do less damage.

10 thoughts on “The War on Crime

  1. Excellent suggestion! It’s exactly how Terry Pratchett described the system in Ankh-Morpork. Time to bring about the old Guilds again.
    It also implies that we have to provide criminals with adequate training enable them to carry out their business according to the standards of CIC.

  2. Yes .

    And a Fas scheme too to train the crims with adequate training allowences.

    And Fintan O’Toole should appear somewhere too, he’ll have a fairness view.

    And Sinead O’Connor should write a lament eventually, when the scheme fails and the crims are out of work ,back on the dole…

  3. What about privatising prisons. That could work too. The private companies would need a certain amount of criminals to make money, in fact the more the better.. more money paid to them by the government. They’d probably put the criminals to work too to enhance their profits.

  4. to make sure everything is well administered, we could get the HSE duplicated and mutated by FAS to run the whole thing.

  5. And lets not forget extra allowances for working anti social hours plus entitlement to 4 weeks holidays a year (but not when everyone else is on holiday cos thats their busiest time) and of course free health insurance and the right to a safe working environment by putting guys like Padraig Nally in jail.Perhaps the HSE could do a preliminary check also on any place they intend doing over to make sure there are no health and safety hazards or girlie calenders there.

  6. Yeah and next thing you’ll have Europe telling us we can only rob euros and you’ll see Irish thieves having to throw good wallets back, while those bloody Spaniards clean up on sterling!

    One good thing about this plan is that, at least in this area, we know our government are competent.

    Your idea has already been in use in the US for a good while. Hardly surprising it has the highest prison populations in the world and yet still has high crime figures.

  7. Bock,
    A very good morning, love the article, it reads very well and to be honest I think you could get a book deal if you kept going with it.
    My point,
    Did we not have a Crime Regulator, did we not banish this regulator to the worst end of the Criminal scale, I for one remember when the Crime Regulators used to meet around the local parks in my area, and at night would walk the streets so all would feel safe (and we did feel safe, not realising they were protecting us against ourselves and the vermin trying to ply their heroin and so on).
    I recall walking up my grandmothers road one day to find a group of 20+ large gentlemen, who all assured me that everything was o.k, they were outside a house on the bottom of her road, I was probably 13 at the time and all I could make out was pushers out, and saw 2 people being escorted out and told to “Fuck Off” and not come back. I’ve seen babies coffins (empty, and purely for effect) being left in the gardens of Known Drug Dealers to show the community they were baby killers.
    But the Crime Regulator you mentioned above has since gone, I’m not calling people to arms, I’m not looking to restart a filthy war, but when we had the IRA (pre-drug dealing), we really had a sense of community policing, which I gather outside of irony is what we’re all and this piece is looking for.
    It’s a shame our government has convinced us that the people concerned with keeping Ireland Irish are the same people who when your FF TD was sitting down to a free lunch, these guys were walking our streets to keep us safe.


  8. I thought the guardians of the peace set up a similar system in South Hill some years ago and encouraged the setting up of a “Security” company…Didn’t work !

  9. It’s already in existence BOCK.
    As you describe it, it is slightly off the mark but on the whole, we already do have this in place. In every town and village.
    Perhaps you’re just being sardonic?

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