The Hound of Satan

Would anyone like a small dog?

This fucking dog is driving me mad.

I know you haven’t heard about the bastard for a while, but he hasn’t gone away, you know.

He has not gone away.

He’s a small dog, but all the more savage for it, and also very intelligent.  This is not a good combination,  small, savage and smart, even if it does sound like a firm of Nama lawyers.

No indeed.  Not a good combination.

Where I live, there is a great amount of perimeter.  A combination of walls and hedges.  And over the years, as various policemen, bailiffs and irate neighbours came to my door, I have had to seal up the gaps through which the Hound of Satan escapes.

You see, this is no ordinary dog, but a deep thinker of his calling.  A dog who takes dogness seriously. This is a small dog who thinks nothing of attacking the three Dobermann Pinschers we meet on the river-bank, held back by a tattooed body-builder skinhead.  This dog attacks trucks.  A neighbour ran over this fucking dog two or three years ago with a big bastard of a jeep and did no damage at all, except the ridiculous cost of a night in the vet’s.

He costs me a fortune when he gets sick.


I came home the other day to find the dog attacking the bin-men when he was supposed to be securely locked away, since the last time I found an escape route and secured it.  Bastard.  The postman was off in the distance, rubbing his ankle and shaking his fist at me.

This is not good.

What to do?

What will I do? I asked Parkenstein.

How the fuck would I know? he answered helpfully.  Video?

Parkenstein, you’re a  genius.

And so I set up the video camera, pointing towards the corner where I suspected the Hound of Satan was escaping, and I drove off.

When I came back, the Hound was waiting for me at the front door.

Where’s that video? What does it show?  Was I wrong?

I was not.  Gentle and lithe as a cat, there’s the dog, climbing the wall, walking to the end, hopping onto the edge of a sheet of plywood no more than half an inch wide, balancing on it, turning around and leaping into the neighbour’s garden.

This is not an ordinary dog.

I hate this animal and yet, in a strange hate-filled way, I also admire it.

Would you like an extremely aggressive, highly intelligent small dog with a good sense of balance and the ability to climb walls?  I guarantee you’ll have no rats.

The Hound of Satan

Dinner with the Hound of Satan

My Dogs

Working dogs

18 thoughts on “The Hound of Satan

  1. You love that dog, you daft robber. I have a similar problem with my dog and I’ve found when she’s knackered after a long walk, she couldn’t be bothered raising her head to accost any strangers.

  2. No ta….have one , similar, only not so small ! ……know all too well where ur coming from ( took a day off work once….and had to stake out me own house !…took hours, but I won that round……the saga continues )……. u have to admire ’em though……maybe !

  3. Bock: “Would you like an extremely aggressive, highly intelligent small dog with a good sense of balance and the ability to climb walls?”

    No thanks, I apparantly have Satan’s long lost twin sister for company…
    Since she once attacked the plumber, who never came back despite promises of fortunes to be earned (even Irish plumbers have limits, it seems!), I’ve learned how to do plumbing myself. The small stuff at least.
    Kind of an educational dog to see the plus side of it all.

    Bock: “I guarantee you’ll have no rats.”
    The Dail thingy from Mick might be viable then…

    lapsedmethodist: “Raise everything by a foot or so. Even this dog has limits.”
    No. They don’t have limits.

  4. There is a planet in a nearby galaxy, populated entirely by Jack Russells.

    Pray that they never unlock the secret of interstellar travel.

  5. You do know that praying doesn’t help? Not when it comes to these little fellas?

    They will unlock everything. Even the secret of interstellar travel.

    Doggie Niasa (which means in Irish, so I’ve been told, the Not So Nice One) or for short Nessie (for “the one who turns up when nobody looks and causes terror and havoc”) certainly knows how to unleash everything which goes against common belief.

    As an aside: I recently learned that dogs (and other mammals) are in German legal terms not defined as things/property but as co-creatures. Don’t know yet what it means in reality, but it seems it gives pets a lot of rights.

    Jack Russell help us…

  6. These fellas are far smarter than they let on. And they have superior powers of deduction.

    I hope they never grow opposable thumbs.

  7. You know what?
    My little madam actually has sort of opposable thumbs! Four of them!
    The vet said that it is an abnormality and she has never seen the likes of it. Must be a genetic failure.
    Or is it???
    Thankfully she (the dog) just came so far as only sucking/nibbling at them.
    But you never know.
    I’m not making this up.

  8. Why not take the little fucker up to the Dail and set him loose on the government benches . especially on waffler Ryan, he really gets up my nose , always farting through his mouth. The little bastard might make a good mascot for the poverty party .

  9. I think, Jack Russells are fit for world domination. Or at least to rule Ireland. No cowards, not afraid of nothing:
    “A mountain lion found it was no match for a Jack Russell terrier which trapped it up a tree on a farm in the US state of South Dakota.

    The dog’s owner, Chad Strenge, heard frantic barking near the family’s farm in Colman, Moody County.

    He discovered the 150lb (68kg) male lion, also known as a cougar, clinging to the top of a tree with 17lb (8kg) terrier Jack at the bottom.”

    I think they are great little critters. Don’t you?

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