Have you any idea what educational heights a young lad or lassie must attain to gain entry to the Garda College?
Well then, I’ll tell you.
The College is, according to the official Garda website, an Institute of Higher Education, and therefore an aspiring entrant is required to meet certain minimum educational standards, as one would expect.
Wait. I’ll tell you.
In order to be admitted to this institute of higher education, a young man or woman must have the following grades:
|Maths||B3 at Foundation Level or D3 at Pass level.
This means being able to spot the difference between One Thing and Many Things.
|English||D3 at Pass level.
This means being able to spell most of The Cat Sat On The Mat.
|Irish||C3 at Foundation Level or D3 at Pass Level.
This means being able to say either Tá or Níl, but not necessarily both.
(Note: a candidate is not expected to achieve these grades in both Irish and English. One will do. This explains many things about our daily conversations with the Irish police).
|Other language||D3 at Pass Level.
This means being able to order a beer in Spanish while out of your head on illegal drugs in Ibiza. Two-ay servayzas please. Good man, Horse..
|Two other subjects||D3 at pass Level.
You can pick woodwork and domestic science. Whittling a truncheon and frying doughnuts..
Once you scale this intellectual mountain, you become a fully-fledged student of the Garda College, emerging eventually with a detailed knowledge of how to polish your shoes, march around a square and swing a baton at other students. You also acquire invaluable expertise on looking up the owners of cars on the Garda computer and phoning them for your pals when they come up for sale.
When you graduate, you begin to study the training of hawks, but that’s for a different tale.
Now. Are you reassured? Don’t you feel relieved we’re in such safe hands, with such razor-sharp intellects at work to protect us?
And to think the PSNI couldn’t find anyone in the Garda qualified to shortlist for their Chief Constable interview. Isn’t that amazing?