More attacks on the IRFU

Irish rugby football union makes an arse of itself

Some fans get so emotionally involved in sport that they can’t bear to watch it.

Their tragedy is that they won’t subscribe to the narrative that sport is part of the entertainment industry. They believe it’s a matter of life and death.

Accordingly you can witness the misfortunates fretting and having nervous breakdowns at international matches as Ireland come under wave after wave of attack from godless foreigners.

However, help is at hand courtesy of the IRFU, who have unveiled a brilliant new initiative to cater for the hard-core breed of supporter who can’t bear to look at the action with their ground breaking new plan to flog “restricted view tickets”.

The tickets are on sale as we we speak on the IRFU website for the South Africa and Samoa games for €75 – as part of package. The IRFU also guarantee that for 95 doubloons you won’t be able to see the New Zealand or Argentina games properly either.

A quick call to the IRFU confirmed this.

“If I fork out the best part of a hundred quid can you guarantee me that I will miss most of the game? If I go up there and I’m able to see the game in its entirety then I’ll be demanding a refund.”

“For €95 we can guarantee you that you will miss most of the match. Bring along the kids and her indoors and we assure that your entire family will only catch occasional glimpses of the action.”

However, the IRFU weren’t the first to come up with this ingenious new marketing ploy.

Years back the GAA built a wall on the lower deck of the Cusack Stand and fans that had bought tickets for that area of the ground could see absolutely fuck all, except a high clearance or the occasional carrier pigeon winging its way to Tallaght with a bag of Bolivian marching powder.

The GAA were so far ahead of their time with this revolutionary new concept that anyone perched in this area of the Cusack Stand couldn’t even see the pitch.

Some GAA fans couldn’t understand why these ticket holders travelled hundreds of miles to sit behind a wall.

However, sports psychologists knew instinctively that this barrier was erected for the hard-core fans, the ones that couldn’t bear to observe this thing that they love.

Meantime, the IRFU took its time twigging that the GAA, who reluctantly abandoned plans to built walls in front of all 80,000 people in Croker, had stolen a march on them with this outrageous scheme to charge people for not being able to fully see what was advertised on the match programme.

But the clever boys in the IRFU have now seen the light. They’re working on restricting our view even further as we speak, like Leonard Rossiter in the Fall and Rise of Reginald Perrin, devising outrageous marketing strategies for bizarre products, such as convincing people to buy a ticket for what is an essentially a visual experience only to have their view obstructed. Grot Products.

Meantime, who designed the new Lansdowne Road? And at what stage, if any, did the builders ring the IRFU and let them know that while the project was right on course, that, er, there was a problem, in that, er, some fans won’t be able to see the entire pitch.

A mere technical issue only.

5 thoughts on “More attacks on the IRFU

  1. Hey Seconds, your asking a lot for the price of a measly fucking ticket here, you mean you want the punter to actually see the fucking game as well? Sure ise`nt that what we have a television for! don`t we pay fucking sky-is-limitless for the same thing. Why in the name of fuck would you pay twice!? If the nerves are really shot you can always use the gizmo to move to another channell and watch a repeat movie!

    This Sporting Life anyone? hmmm…..

  2. The nerves are gone completely Mr Sodacake -in the back of my mind some fucker is always equalising or scoring a winner against my favourite side.

    I need restricted view tickets big time.

  3. There you go! That`s your problem. Your a junkie, a sports nut if you rather. Simple solution is to stage a huge protest at the next game in LANSDOWNE ROAD.

    The traditional form of protest at these rugby games is i believe, a streaker. So there you have it Seconds, in that very secluded and restricted area of LANSDOWN ROAD grounds, do a streak!

    You will kill two birds with the one ahem streak, you won`t see any rugby and the few punters that have paid the price will not see you!

    See problem solved.

  4. “SOUTH AFRICA/ SAMOA PACKAGE- RESTRICTED VIEW 75 EURO
    This package contains one restricted view ticket for South Africa and one restricted view ticket for Samoa.
    Any tickets purchased for the Ireland South Africa & Samoa games can no longer be posted- they must be collected from 10- 12 Lansdowne Road, Ballsbridge, Dublin 4. They will be ready for collection 72 hours after ordering.

    No items available”

    ” NEW ZEALAND/ ARGENTINA RESTRICTED VIEW PACKAGE- 95 EURO
    This package contains one restricted view ticket for New Zealand and one restricted view ticket for Argentina

    No items available”

    Sold Out or a change of mind? I see that they have learned a thing or two from Mr Ryanair himself with tickets having an extra €4 charge in there also!

  5. Now come on lads! The only restrictions are where you place your hands or your ticket preference.

    To buy or not to buy?———hmmmmm???

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