At first glance Morgan Kelly doesn’t appear to be suffering from a Cassandra Complex. However, on this occasion our perceptive canary down the mine has let our beleaguered nation down as he’s failed to warn us in advance of our impending doom.
On Thursday next the spawn of Satan, Jedward, will humiliate this country in eyes of the Continent at the Eurovision Song contest. And Paddy will then go global to complete the double by disgracing us in the eyes of the World belting out the deeply disturbing “There’s No One As Irish As Barack Obama”. This acutely embarrassing song is due to be dusted down and given “an auld lash” when O’Bama and recently acquired apostrophe visits our little busted flush of a nation anon.
Evil goblins Jedward, meantime, are at large in Dusseldorf as we speak, surrounded by types who have four words – “probably a rampant homosexual” – stamped in the present occupation part of their passports.
We agreed here in the not so distant past that the destruction of the Berlin Wall was a historic mistake, that Checkpoint Charlie wasn’t the dividing line between Capitalism and Communism, as such. We agreed, and new research has endorsed our views, that the Berliner Mauer, built under the tenure of Nikita Khrushchev, was originally erected with the express intent of stopping western Europe being overrun by hordes of Das Kapital perusing transvestites.
To prove our point, no sooner was the wall reduced to rubble than gaggles of shirt-lifters, carpet-munchers, bisexuals, trannies – and whatever your shagging yourself this weekend – poured forth from under the Iron Curtain through the Brandenburg Gate. Naturally, they all headed straight for the sanctuary of the Eurovision Song Contest, all coups d’etat dictate that you gain immediate control of the means of communication.
Meanwhile, Hope and Change is due in Hibernia, and Declan Lynch, predicting that Paddy will take full advantage this opportunity to disgrace himself and the entire country live on CNN or ABC during the visit, fears the worst. Lynch writes that the only way to stop Paddy acting the eejit during the visit would be for Obama to do a video link up thingy from the White House, to not visit at all. Lynch reckons we’d be content with that, that given our present economic woes most of us would even be content if he just send over a text.
Tragically, Obama, who recently allowed himself be pictured watching a snuff movie live from Pakistan, insists he’s coming over. Originally, he was only due to spend a few hours, but the visit has now been extended to 24 hours. Paddy will calculate that that will give him ample time to get enough fire water into him, get on a rolling news channel, and mortify the nation from Timbuktu to Reykjavik.
Obama is also due to visit Offaly, the county which spawned Biffo, the man who destroyed the country, going forward, but not before he trousered a golden handshake and an index-linked pension. Obama’s forbidding-looking security team have already cased out Offaly and most fuckwits are now en route to Guantanamo Bay.
But the law of averages dictates that a few will have escaped their draconian net and will show up on ABC on the night of the visit, incoherent from drink, talking bollocks about Obama being Irish, scaring the nation with their puns and exclamations to paraphrase Junior Marvin. And as Obama’s Secret Service contemplate a further spot of rendition, the deranged citizens of Offaly will have an auld rendition of their own and will break out into the most appalling ditty that ever crawled out of a recording studio. Cue, There’s No One as Irish as Barack Obama.
Obama is also due to address the Dáil. No doubt he’ll predict that we will rise from the ashes, that we’ll soon return to the glory days when we were paying 14 trillion euro for a one-bedroomed flat – with its own entrance mind you – in Rathmines.
But I reckon that something can be salvaged from the visit of the US Commander in Chief. We mentioned here previously that Ireland should cut to the chase and apply to become the 53rd state of the USA. Research has shown that inside every Paddy there’s an American waiting to get out, and now that we’ll have Obama’s undivided attention for an entire day our opportunity has arisen. Go for it Enda. Axe him as they say in Kerry.
Meanwhile, shame on Morgan Kelly. In times of national emergency such as this we need our thinkers to explain to us in graphic detail why “There’s No One as Irish as Barack Obama” is not funny and why Jedward are not just two kids having a lark, that they are in fact two evil bastards.
For all Paddy has left these days is art and sport, and now that is under threat. For example, just last week RTE shot footage of Moneygall in Offaly – an Obama stronghold as one eejit put it, har fucking har. And behold, in the background, a shower of half-cut arseholes lepping around with Obama masks on them singing along to the above. In short, exactly the scenes we don’t want German taxpayers to see.
For German taxpayers, who are bankrolling this country, will be looking at those scenes and think to themselves that Paddy is out drinking their money every night of the week, laughing at them. We’re dealing with a nation here that invaded Poland at the drop of a hat. Later that weekend their Panzers were cruising up the Champs-Élysées. You won’t catch Henry handling the ball against the boys from the Black Forest.
If Germany sees us out on the tear and gets it into its head that we don’t give a bollocks, which we apparently don’t, they’ll rack up the interest rate on the bail out, and can you blame them? If you’re out working all day and a percentage of your income is being handed out to a delinquent whose entire raison d’être appears to be to stay out on the lash until his liver packs it in, what way would you react if you turned on the telly and were confronted with the spectacle of the recipient of your tax euro cavorting around the arsehole of Ireland in an Obama mask skulling a pint of Bulmers?
Paddy, four sheets to the wind. Paddy, the all singing and dancing variety, reverting to Flann O’Brien type caricature and doing what he does best, amusing his betters and sending them home with a spring in their steps to functioning economies.
The sword of Damocles will be poised over our heads in the coming weeks and Morgan Kelly has failed to warn us. Some Cassandra he is.