Morgan Kelly, Barack Obama And The Evil Goblins Jedward

What the professor failed to warn us about

At first glance Morgan Kelly doesn’t appear to be suffering from a Cassandra Complex.  However, on this occasion our perceptive canary down the mine has let our beleaguered nation down as he’s failed to warn us in advance of our impending doom.

On Thursday next the spawn of Satan, Jedward, will humiliate this country in eyes of the Continent at the Eurovision Song contest.  And Paddy will then go global to complete the double by disgracing us in the eyes of the World belting out the deeply disturbing “There’s No One As Irish As Barack Obama”.  This acutely embarrassing song is due to be dusted down and given “an auld lash” when O’Bama and recently acquired apostrophe visits our little busted flush of a nation anon.

Evil goblins Jedward, meantime, are at large in Dusseldorf as we speak, surrounded by types who have four words – “probably a rampant homosexual” – stamped in the present occupation part of their passports.

We agreed here in the not so distant past that the destruction of the Berlin Wall was a historic mistake, that Checkpoint Charlie wasn’t the dividing line between Capitalism and Communism, as such.  We agreed, and new research has endorsed our views, that the Berliner Mauer, built under the tenure of Nikita Khrushchev, was originally erected with the express intent of stopping western Europe being overrun by hordes of Das Kapital perusing transvestites.

To prove our point, no sooner was the wall reduced to rubble than gaggles of shirt-lifters, carpet-munchers, bisexuals, trannies – and whatever your shagging yourself this weekend – poured forth from under the Iron Curtain through the Brandenburg Gate.  Naturally, they all headed straight for the sanctuary of the Eurovision Song Contest, all coups d’etat dictate that you gain immediate control of the means of communication.

Meanwhile, Hope and Change is due in Hibernia, and Declan Lynch, predicting that Paddy will take full advantage this opportunity to disgrace himself and the entire country live on CNN or ABC during the visit, fears the worst.  Lynch writes that the only way to stop Paddy acting the eejit during the visit would be for Obama to do a video link up thingy from the White House, to not visit at all.  Lynch reckons we’d be content with that, that given our present economic woes most of us would even be content if he just send over a text.

Tragically, Obama, who recently allowed himself be pictured watching a snuff movie live from Pakistan, insists he’s coming over.  Originally, he was only due to spend a few hours, but the visit has now been extended to 24 hours. Paddy will calculate that that will give him ample time to get enough fire water into him, get on a rolling news channel, and mortify the nation from Timbuktu to Reykjavik.

Obama is also due to visit Offaly, the county which spawned Biffo, the man who destroyed the country, going forward, but not before he trousered a golden handshake and an index-linked pension. Obama’s forbidding-looking security team have already cased out Offaly and most fuckwits are now en route to Guantanamo Bay.

But the law of averages dictates that a few will have escaped their draconian net and will show up on ABC on the night of the visit, incoherent from drink, talking bollocks about Obama being Irish, scaring the nation with their puns and exclamations to paraphrase Junior Marvin.  And as Obama’s Secret Service contemplate a further spot of rendition, the deranged citizens of Offaly will have an auld rendition of their own and will break out into the most appalling ditty that ever crawled out of a recording studio. Cue, There’s No One as Irish as Barack Obama.

Obama is also due to address the Dáil.  No doubt he’ll predict that we will rise from the ashes, that we’ll soon return to the glory days when we were paying 14 trillion euro for a one-bedroomed flat – with its own entrance mind you – in Rathmines.

But I reckon that something can be salvaged from the visit of the US Commander in Chief.  We mentioned here previously that Ireland should cut to the chase and apply to become the 53rd state of the USA. Research has shown that inside every Paddy there’s an American waiting to get out, and now that we’ll have Obama’s undivided attention for an entire day our opportunity has arisen. Go for it Enda. Axe him as they say in Kerry.

Meanwhile, shame on Morgan Kelly. In times of national emergency such as this we need our thinkers to explain to us in graphic detail why “There’s No One as Irish as Barack Obama” is not funny and why Jedward are not just two kids having a lark, that they are in fact two evil bastards.

For all Paddy has left these days is art and sport, and now that is under threat. For example, just last week RTE shot footage of Moneygall in Offaly – an Obama stronghold as one eejit put it, har fucking har.  And behold, in the background, a shower of half-cut arseholes lepping around with Obama masks on them singing along to the above. In short, exactly the scenes we don’t want German taxpayers to see.

For German taxpayers, who are bankrolling this country, will be looking at those scenes and think to themselves that Paddy is out drinking their money every night of the week, laughing at them.  We’re dealing with a nation here that invaded Poland at the drop of a hat. Later that weekend their Panzers were cruising up the Champs-Élysées. You won’t catch Henry handling the ball against the boys from the Black Forest.

If Germany sees us out on the tear and gets it into its head that we don’t give a bollocks, which we apparently don’t, they’ll rack up the interest rate on the bail out, and can you blame them? If you’re out working all day and a percentage of your income is being handed out to a delinquent whose entire raison d’être appears to be to stay out on the lash until his liver packs it in, what way would you react if you turned on the telly and were confronted with the spectacle of the recipient of your tax euro cavorting around the arsehole of Ireland in an Obama mask skulling a pint of Bulmers?

Paddy, four sheets to the wind. Paddy, the all singing and dancing variety, reverting to Flann O’Brien type caricature and doing what he does best, amusing his betters and sending them home with a spring in their steps to functioning economies.

The sword of Damocles will be poised over our heads in the coming weeks and Morgan Kelly has failed to warn us. Some Cassandra he is.



19 thoughts on “Morgan Kelly, Barack Obama And The Evil Goblins Jedward

  1. we nationlize “there`s no one as irish as obama “rerelease it,make the film (with roles for jedward) that could gross enough to see off the IMF

  2. I did put it this way a week ago ;)



    In a first strike scenario Ireland attacked Germany with weapons of mass stupefying, while this is not a first in modern warfare, never before in history has a strike on such a scale been undertaken, it is beyond anything wepons manufacturers could dream of today, the total output will effect approximately 50-60 million Germans within 2-3 days after the hit.

    It is not clear whether a military counter attack can be accomplished by german defense forces anymore, so severe are the damage projections.

    Jedward left for Germany…

  3. Maybe we should start a war with Germany. They’d win in half an hour and then we could begin the reconstruction.

  4. today at work, people said that kelly should shut up and let us just get on with it

    bastard, making us think *pfft*

    kelly was probably a crafty centre forward in his time, a predator, not so much a malcom mcdonell , more a recent and irionacilly now, deutche, raul.

    but people loved raul – he gave them what they wanted

    kelly sorta completes ireland now, in a friends, angsty, non-commital, touchy, feely, kissy kissy, needy and totally BANKRUPT way

    i love obama, in that healthy man loving way, he makes me cry every time he orates, the children laugh but i say ” know this children” or ” yes you can children “, which confuses them cause normally its, ” no you can’t”

  5. Is that the brother of Fidel Castro your on about Mr Sniffle – Raul. He had a fine career with Madrid but threw it all away to ink a deal with Dessie Kapital.

    What will we do if the evil goblins win it out, Rangers win the SPL, United the PL, Leinster the European Cup…..Jesus.

  6. Fuck it, I have it! Took a long time in the planning, but here we go.
    Why not take on Germany in the hurling final to beat all hurling finals. To be fair like, we could ensure that the match would be played in a neutral ground like a soccer pitch for example, while reminding them with a wink and the odd elbow, that neutrality is in the Paddy’s blood. After all, we remained neutral during the war, when ever other cunt in the world was out to cut their throats.
    We could play the match in the ‘Rose Bowl’ Carew Parks home ground, and dare I say the home of Junior football in Ireland.

    If Germany wins the match, they will be allowed to host the Eurovision song contest every year…fuck it! They will be allowed to win it every year as well.
    And if we win what do we get, I hear you say.
    Well if we win. we will owe no one fuck all, ever again. Forever and ever Amen. And if anyone suggest otherwise we will get our new best Friends the Germans to sort em out.
    Well what do ye think of that? A good plan or Wha!
    As my Father always said, ‘The feet for football L.J.S. the feet for football boy’

  7. Great idea LJS, but will they drop the interest rate on the bail out if we let them win? – fine little ground CP have there. I think the great Willie Bolland offically opened it for them? Boland, played over 70 times in the Premiership for Coventry City, shamefully overlooked for a senior cap for Ireland.

    As regards what Bock is saying. If these fuckers win it out and they have Limerick roots…..Jesus, we’ll have to go away and get a mass said for ourselves.

  8. Seconds.. Its a a Hurling final. Surely ta fuck we can bate em at hurlen! And as a surprise ,prize, for turning up for the match we will give our new best Pals the Eurovision anyway. Feck it, we could even get Barrack O’ Bama to sing the National anthems at the start of the match. And our very own version of the Glimmer twins (Das Jedward) could give us a verse of the river dance on top of a Guinness barrel at half time. Fuck it when I’m on a role there’s no stoppen me boy!

  9. I think you’re my soul mate. Funniest stuff I’ve read in ages. Vicious too.

  10. Some punter in Dublin has five grand at twenty to one on the Jedwardians to win it outright. Should we laugh or cry?

  11. At what odds Tony? gambling operates as an aside to an event in that it has no interest in the outcome, except to win money. Likewise, wouldn’t it be great to win money off the two wretches.

  12. Yes Bock I can confirm that the Jeds do indeed have strong Limerick connections. Coonagh connections in fact. I was skulling porter with a not too distant cousin of theirs last night. A painter of Public house interiors, who you may have encountered yourself in the not too distant past.

  13. Jesus wept, Jeds are from Limerick……the mice are throwing themselves in their traps.

  14. Sorry about that Seconds. The truth hurts. I suppose the only saving grace(if you could call it that) is that their a quare bunch, that coonagh lot. That fucken airport has a lot to answer for.

  15. Who gives a fuck about the goblins , what really disgraces Limerick is that wee willy wanker comes from there, I mean what could be worse.

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