Conkers Competition

Bourkes Bar

Wednesday 28th September.  All proceeds go to the Shane Geoghegan Trust.

€5 to enter the conker competition.

There will also be dobbers, pitch ‘n’ toss and maybe pushing matchsticks.  Not to mention knocking on doors and running away.


(Update: event photos.)



Judge A glanced at Judge C.  Judge C stared back at Judge A.

Whatcha reckon?

Old Judge B puffed on his pipe and sat back in all his serenity.  Carefully weighing the heft of his quarter-quaffed pint, he thought for a moment more before nodding.

Stamp, he agreed.

Stamp it is, assented Judges A and C, and so it came to pass that we broke away from the crushing uniformity of the oppressive and brutal World Conkers Federation.  From now on, a contestant may stamp on an opponent’s, if dropped.

The big problem with the WCF is corruption.  It’s filthy.  Current World Conkers Champion, Dave “Nutcracker” Laceknot is a convicted felon and multiple conkers cheat.  The previous champion, Stan “Swingball” Soreknuckle , once did time for vinegar-soaking.

We’re going to clean up conkers.

It’s a dirty business in the professional arena, but in  a brave move, the Limerick Conkers Association has decided to risk the wrath of the hard-boiled conkers promoters and put on a competition with new rules.

The judges will be almost sober.

The conkers will be almost untampered.  With.

Bribes will have to be huge to make any difference,.

That seems to wrap it all up.  The end of corruption in the filthy world of conker power.


Bourkes.  7:30 pm. Wednesday 28th Sept in aid of the Shane Geoghegan Trust.

Be there.

3 thoughts on “Conkers Competition

  1. Though its highly controversial, I loved your piece. Can we replicate it in our brochure for the Irish Conker Championships, happening in Freshford, Co Kilkenny on Sunday Oct 30th? We’d love to welcome you back to the fold and challenge you to a game or two, by the rules.

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