How do you pronounce Ikea?
Is it Eye Key Ah?
Is it Ick Ay Ah?
That’s the problem with the English language: it mangles pronunciations. An Irish speaker would be in no doubt whatever that the correct pronunciation is Ick Ay Ah, giving vowels their true values, just as they do in most mainland European countries, except France, thus proving that the French and the Brits are pretty much the same thing and they should just get married.
Give me a language where what you see written down is what you speak. German is pronounced exactly as it’s spelt. Its close relatives, Danish, Dutch, Norwegian and Swedish are spoken as they are written, and as far as I know, so are all Slavic languages along with Italian, Spanish, Romanian, Greek and Czech. Not so much Portuguese, as far as I know, though I’m open to correction.
Ikea is not as bad as the two-headed Ibiza though. Why do they pronounce this Eye Beetha? The first syllable pronounced Britwise and the second in the Spanish way.
Surely it’s either Eye Buys Ah or Ib Eetha?
Be consistent, for fucksake.
Yes, I know that none of this has anything to do with Ikea, but I’ve had a long day, so cut me a little slack if that’s all right. I’ll get to the point eventually and it’s not as if this post is a matter of life and death. Heaven forfend. It’s not as if I’m writing about Glasgow football or anything else so important.
No. This is just about assembling a flat-pack kitchen.
You see, I agreed to build a kitchen for a friend of mine, and as you know if you’re a long-term visitor, I love to build these things by hand. I like to make kitchens from scratch, but as the design progressed, it became clear that I’d end up assembling an Ikea flatpack instead.
I’m not proud, and it’s not as if I think of myself as an artist. I just make things that people like, and so it transpired that I, and my son, Bullet, found ourselves fitting an Ikea kitchen for our friend.
Guess what? The Ikea system is logical, efficient, well-designed and easy to assemble. The instructions are clear and everything works as it should. I’ve assembled fitted kitchens before and I’ve never come across anything as carefully engineered as the Ikea product.
Yes, it’s a flat-pack, off-the-shelf Pot-Noodle sort of furniture, and it can’t match a hand-crafted kitchen, but at the same time, it’s a million miles away from the rubbish you might find yourself buying at twice the price.
I enjoyed the hell out of it. What can be so bad about working with your son on an interesting job, going for an all-you-can-eat curry at lunchtime and rounding off the day sharing an ice-cold beer, discussing ridiculous movies, and bad football?