Gardai Say No To Outdoor Electric Music

As I passed two girls in the street the other day, I heard a snippet of conversation.

He’s such a feckin Guard! said one and they both laughed.

Only in Ireland would that make any sense whatever, but it’s true.  They’re not just police.  They’re feckin Guards with all the sophistication that two years in Templemore brings.  They’re feckin Guards and they can’t wait to get out there ordering The Public to move along.

How do you graduate from Templemore?  It’s a tough test.  You have to say fifty times without stumbling, Yer speech is slurred and yer eyes are glazed.  Now move on.

Only then will you be free to get out there and start collecting hawks for yourself and shagging nurses.  And eventually, as long as you never, ever rock the boat, and never, ever criticise the received wisdom that was handed down through generations of Members since the Thirties, you might rise through the ranks and become a Chief, which is a position only two steps removed from God Almighty, but you will always be a feckin Guard.

You probably read my story about the Pissing File of Schull, didn’t you?

No?  Well here it is again.  Oh, they’re a scream.   Remember the one about the feckin Guards farting at a suspect?  You just couldn’t make it up, unless of course, you were a feckin Guard, in which case you can make up whatever you want.

Yes, Judge.  He struck my baton forcibly with his forehead.   His eyes were glazed and his speech was slurred.

What’s their latest comedy offering?  Well, I suppose you heard about that fiasco in the Phoenix Park when three guys playing records pretended to be a band, Swedish Horse Massage I think, and then various lowlife scumbags went around knifing people.  Yeah.  That one.

It seems the feckin Guards have come up with a report in which they blame, well, everyone except themselves.  They blame the promoters, MCD, which in itself is a bit of a high-risk strategy since MCD are well-known for suing anyone who looks crooked at them.  They blame the patrons of the concert.  They even blame the music.

That’s right.  The music is at fault.

Not a band

According to the Garda report on the drunken carry-on, the Phoenix Park is not suitable for, quote, “outdoor electric music concerts”.

Was anyone under the age of seventy involved in drawing up this report?  Wait.  What am I talking about? Mick Jagger is seventy next year.  Paul Simon is seventy-one next birthday.

Jesus, I didn’t know they had ninety-year-olds making policy in the feckin Guards.  That explains a lot.

Outdoor electric music concerts.  I ask you.  It’s a wonder they didn’t blame beat groups and immodest dancing.  Did they think of consulting anyone who might actually know something about this, who could maybe set them straight.  Probably not.  Better to rely on intelligence, if that isn’t too much of an oxymoron.

But let’s go back to this outdoor electric music for a minute.  What is it exactly?  I mean, supposing PJ or TJ married Nuala the nurse, and they decided to hire the Kilfenora Céilí Band for the weddin’, would there be a problem if the fella with the accordion fed it through an amp?  Would a crowd of knife-wielding ecstasy dealers turn up and start slashing at all the guests while dancing the Freddy Krueger hornpipe?

Would they be breaking the law?

Don’t be ridiculous.  Feckin Guards can’t break the law, especially when the squad is parked round the back and all the lads are down there havin a few jars and chattin up Nuala’s pals from the A&E.  Now, if it was a pub open ten minutes too late, that would be a different matter, since one piece of wisdom handed down from the Thirties is that you must control the pubs, even if the miscreants inside happen to be a few locals having a quiet chat.  You can’t have that.  Yer eyes are glazed and yer speech is slurred.  Get out now.

That time they had the Pope in the Phoenix Park, to the best of my knowledge, they had music and I do believe it was amplified, but that’s probably not the sort of outdoor electric music the feckin Guards are thinking of, especially since there’s every chance one of their brothers was up there on the stage waving his hands around in concelebrated insanity with JPII.

Outdoor electric music.  Isn’t that somethin them feckin hippies do?

Having said all that, let’s be honest.  The feckin Guards were right about one thing.  House attracts more than the average share of skangers and lowlifes.  Admit it and move on.

Here’s another old guy (76).



Full report

Download (PDF, 1.59MB)


16 thoughts on “Gardai Say No To Outdoor Electric Music

  1. This is why I held onto my wind up gramaphone.I knew no good would come of this electric stuff.

  2. Commercial house music does attract scum, and it’s pure shit as well. If they actually banned it tomorrow I’d be first in line to start going around to people’s houses collecting it all to be burnt in the town square. Ooo, I’m all tingly just thinking about it.

  3. All I can make of the Garda report is that they have blatantly declared Dublin city centre a woeful place entirely for a gig like that as it’s full of low-life scumbags (a population demographic) who operate entirely outside the remit of the same Garda authority because really; shouldn’t everyone have gone with the likes of that Oxygen plan and taken the affair to culchie-land for feck sake?
    Plus, Templemore may well never have developed a training program designed to educate trainees in how to deal with knife wielding scobes; certainly none that ended up in Blanchardstown, hence their reference to and direct blame on ‘this type of music’.
    Feckin’ brilliant.
    I wonder what Fr.Dougall would have made of it?
    I’ve a fair idea of what Fr.Jack would have had to say given it was practically raining cheap Tesco/off license drink just about everywhere during the entire three day event.
    The same mindset that declared Ireland was having an emergency while the entire planet suffered a world war is still alive and is still calling the shots.
    This ‘report’ shows clearly where the power in Ireland stand.
    Smack in the middle of cloud-cuckoo-land.

  4. Does this mean I don’t get to see Leonard Cohen?

    As he spoke before,

    “Now the deal has been dirty
    Since dirty began
    I’m not asking for mercy
    Not from the man
    You just don’t ask for mercy
    While you’re still on the stand
    There’s a Law, there’s an Arm, there’s a Hand
    There’s a Law, there’s an Arm, there’s a Hand”

  5. According to the Limerick Leader last night,the music at JP’s party last weekend could be heard 5km away. Of course with paragons of the ilk of Ahern,Harney,O Dea and Noonan,there was a much better class of skobes in attendance and the decibels didnt really matter.

  6. The Guards obviously agreed with those folks at the Newport Folk Festival in 1965 who booed Bob Dylan.

  7. Very good Bock – this should be the Official Report, as it would make more sense (if that’s not an oxymoron as well).

    Except that it’s obvious that you never drove by Templemore – if you did, you’d understand that outdoor concerts should be held indoors – conventional wisdom, radiating from this “institution”.

    Its the lack of a roof, I believe. Without direct exposure to sunlight, you wouldn’t be horny – with nowhere to hide (outdoors) and enact, the testosterone evaporates (through the back passage) into a chemical with the same molecular structure as formaldehyde – and when that is mixed with noise from an electric “instrument”, you’d be a fool not to expect chaos and decadence. If you’d even spent a minute in the Post Office in Templemore, you’d know this!

    Did you know that Templemore is the Irish for Mensa? And that Mensa is the latin for pig? If only you’d rolled down the window of your car, and pointed it in the direction of Templemore; then you would!

    The way you are talking Bock, I’d say you never even heard the word Templemore, before today. Because if you did, you’d know, and understand, the birth of the phrase; “your voice is slurred”.
    If you’ve ever been to Ireland, you’d recognise that everyone’s voice is slurred – and that this is a “cover-all” phrase (legal mechanism) for all situations where a suspected “perp.”, can speak at all.
    Like Birmingham, the speech can be traced to the climate and the related adenoid conditions. The Irish, with the exception of one or two individuals like Jacky Healy Ray (who never had adenoids, and doesn’t know what they are) and the eloquent Mary Robinson ( who might not be Irish at all); are rarely known for elocution.

    The second phrase you referred to; “your eyes are glazed” – is the second ingenious “cover-all phrase”, to indict the remainder of the population who cannot speak at all, or cannot be enveloped within the first of the cover-all, mechanisms. I say “cannot be enveloped”,and this is incorrect – it is to be used where one of the brothers may forget, the primary.

    And if you’ve been to Templemore recently, you’d notice that this fraternity embodies persons other than natives. Imagine a cop with a Chinese accent, telling Jackie Healy Ray, that his speech is slurred – the Chinese “intern” may not be “cute” enough, to employ the second phrase.

    Cometh phrase number three – every bit as important as one and two;
    “you’re driving erratically” – this is the one the Chinese intern should use, when engaging the likes of Jackie who has no adenoids, and who’s eyes have been permanently glazed since he was an embryo (and maybe even before that!).

    If you’ve ever been to Mass in Templemore, you’d appreciate that all phrases have another purpose – and that is to indicate to the Judge that he/she can go to sleep for a while – or until a second phrase is issued, which is a signal to wake up for a minute (or less).

    Indeed, one couldn’t be sure of the outcome in court, if a “civilian” used one or three of the phrases – it wouldn’t be expected by anyone. Perhaps, if Sean Quinn uttered “Anglo’s eyes were glazed, their communications to me were slurred, and that their defense is erratic”. The judge wouldn’t know whether to wake up, or go back to sleep – the “barristers” (both sides) would think of Sean as one of their own – and its conceivable that he’d be awarded 50billion in damages to his character, on top of a job as a Superintendent.

  8. I was at a Swedish House Mafia gig in a city ten times the size of Dublin not so long ago and nobody was stabbed and nobody overdosed.

  9. Boss,

    Just in case I had missed another music Genre, I did perform a much more than perunctory search for a definition for “electric music” and failed,

    I apologise most profusely for this miserable failure…….

  10. @ geek
    no apologies – forgive yourself – recognise – and release it (chopra )

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