Limerick city councillors love their dead American presidents, but none more fervently than Pat Kennedy who feels a special bond to the famous (or notorious) Irish-American namesake clan whose gangster father bought the 1960 presidential election for young Jack, a man with a great tan, excellent teeth and a prodigious libido.
Jack would shag anything with a pulse and frequently did, often sending his Secret Service minders to summon random women from the adoring crowds, though history doesn’t record how many sweaty couplings he managed to squeeze in during the hour he visited Limerick in June 1963. With all that waving to crowds, reciting patronising platitudes and kissing babies, he probably hadn’t much time for more than three or four liaisons.
Kennedy checks his list in Limerick
But never mind all that. Pat Kennedy is a big fan of JFK anyway. For that matter, Pat seems to be a huge fan of American presidents in general, having named his son Thomas Jefferson. The Founding Baby.
Pat’s latest wheeze is to rename a bridge in the city. Via some sort of political stroke, the local councillors managed to change the long-established Shannon Bridge to the John Fitzgerald Kennedy Bridge. On two previous occasions when he held the pointless position of Mayor, Pat managed to get his name on plaques attached to bridges. Indeed, one of those plaques is on the bridge he wants call JFK. So good they named it twice.
If that bridge could talk, it would say Ich bin ein Limericker!!
Kennedy visited Limerick for an hour over 50 years ago, but somehow, Pat Abraham Lincoln Kennedy seems to think that’s enough and by hook or by crook, he’s determined to push the renaming through despite widespread public derision. A man with Camelot blood in his veins won’t be bothered by anyone calling him a vainglorious buffoon.
Pat isn’t alone in this gobshitery though. Because of a political deal to buy his vote for a Labour mayor, Kathleen Roosevelt Leddin, he has an unlikely assortment of supporters.
They are Joe Eisenhower Leddin, Tom Truman Shortt, Lyndon B Hurley, Kevin Dubya Kiely and John Obama Gilligan.
Ranged against them are the evil Diarmuid Bin Laden Scully, Maurice Khomeini Quinlivan, Maria Stalin Byrne, Michael Saddam Hourigan, Jim Mao Tse Tung Long and Denis Castro McCarthy.
Pat is threatening legal action if the council try to prevent his illustrious relative’s name being affixed to the bridge. He took advice from himself, apparently, since Pat is a junior counsel, as well as a primary teacher. A junior counsel!! And a primary teacher!!
Was there ever a more qualified man in the whole world?
Don’t cross Pat, is the message. I hope he doesn’t send himself a huge bill for his time and expertise.
Pat Washington Hoover Clinton Bush Ford Nixon Quincy Adams Kennedy is a true frontiersman. Men like him, with their coon-skin caps on the top of their heads and their muzzle loading muskets, fought off the English, they fought off the Indians, they defied Santa Anna at the Alamo and they made this the great country it is today.
One thing though, that Pat might have overlooked. The Kennedys don’t have a glorious history when it comes to bridges.